Life by List

This is not a Valentine's Day post

2012-02-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

Twelve years ago, I had no idea that when I sat at my sister's computer, inputting a handful of search terms into a website that has long since disappeared into the ether, that I was going to change my life forever.

But then I hit enter, and within a few seconds up popped a list of matches, and there he was, at the very top, as if the internet gods had conspired together over cables and pixels to say, "You don't need to search any further. We have the sum of all knowledge here in the folds of our servers, and we know, and soon, you will know."

And within two months - two months of emails and messages and phone calls that stretched for hours put passed in seconds - I knew.

I knew that I was in love.

I had no idea what that meant, though I thought at the time that I knew fully and completely what it was to love. But in those twelve(!) years, I have loved more and deeper and with a painful awareness of failure and loss that ultimately - if you can outlast it - strengthens what it tears at and creates something new and old and wonderful and terrifying in its significance.

He told me on that first date, a little over two months after that impulsive search, "I'm not a patient man. I'm going to kiss you now." And he did. And part of me knew in that instant that my life was different now. Part of me - the part that makes lists and had been accepted to law school and believed in organization and planning - would hold out for almost another week before it too saw what the beautifully irrational part of me that lived on fairy tales and iridescent dreams had already realized. I was in love with this man.

And so a few months later we married. Technically it was on our fifth date, but we spent every night on the phone together. I changed my parents' long distance plan to save me money. We tried to limit it to an hour a night, but it was impossible. One hour became two, and sometimes three, and to the chagrin of both sets of parents occasionally four.

And now, we spend each night together. He is my protector - some times from others, some times from myself - and my best friend. And he hasn't gotten any better at being patient. He still has to kiss me, and I see in his eyes today a greater fulness of what I thought was complete twelve years ago. He loves me beyond any correlation to my worthiness or deserving. He loves me. Me. Flawed and fragile me.

Somehow, he thinks he is the lucky one in this relationship. I'm not sure how someone so smart can make such a basic error of logic. I am the one that has the luck in this relationship. I won the jackpot in the online dating lottery, and it's still paying dividends.

I love you, GeekBoy. Thank you for loving me.

That's what you get for going to the bathroom in the middle of the night

2012-02-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

Apparently on my way back to bed this morning at 4:00am, I tripped, fell over, landed on GeekBoy, told him he was a campfire, and made him go get some water. Then, while I was drinking the water, I rambled on about My Little Ponies, whether or not you could make french toast with cinnamon rolls, and a conspiracy by the business community to strip my high school basketball team of all of its championships.

Seven for Saturday: February 11, 2012

2012-02-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

1. I asked to be released from doing a visiting teaching route and to be put in charge of writing letters to people who have asked for that to be their only contact. Being proactive in taking charge of my health and recognizing my limits is a big step for me.

2. We found one of the vitamins that I am prescribed in glass bottles rather than plastic. Also, the bottles are full rather than mostly empty. Yay for reduced waste.

3. Donut holes for breakfast. Yum.

4. GeekBoy is currently massaging my feet. This is not an unusual occurrence.

5. Cooper is in a phase where he only wants to watch the fourth episode of his favorite TV shows.

6. I have been falling in love with the poetry of Mary Oliver. I keep telling myself to slow down and portion out how many I read at one sitting, but it is so difficult.

7. My political ecology class is traumatizing my students. I've had one give up meat already.

Moments worth remembering...or not

2012-02-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

Stepped barefoot in barf last night. That's a true badge of motherhood.

Was teaching Rousseau's The Social Contract today. I'm working the students through the part where Rousseau argues for the need to overthrow existing corrupt, master-slaved dominated, enslaving society to move towards liberated man in a free society. I was exclaiming rather loudly, "We have to overthrow the government," when I realized my classroom door was open, so I asked a student to shut it. A few seconds later a student from out in the hall re-opened the door. He apologized and said, "We're rather enjoying the lecture and want to see where you're going with it."

We also now have a class pencil named Steve. Don't ask.

I ordered 35 perennials to put in the flower bed that we planted 400+ bulbs in last fall. I have really high hopes that this is going to end up being beautiful. Also, it was snowing while I was ordering plants. Flower catalogs are gardener porn.

Cooper lied to me for the first time. He told me GeekBoy had told him he could do something when I had heard GeekBoy tell him the exact opposite.

Sick. Again. Boo.

2012-02-01T14:54:00.000-08:00

I used to get strep infections about every other month. Super painful wouldn't respond to normal anti-biotics strep infections. My doctor finally told me that I needed to get my tonsils out or I was just going to keep getting them.

Sunday night my throat started hurting. That's usually the sign that I'm going to get a cold in the next 24 hours or so. This morning my throat was still hurting and it was getting worse. I went to the local drop-in health clinic to see if I had managed to get a strep infection regardless of my tonsilless status.

It turns out I do not have strep, but I am running a fever and have some sort of probably viral infection. The doctor doesn't know what it is, but he gave me a scrip for antibiotics and said if it doesn't clear up in the next few days, fill the prescription.

I want to know why we have the technology to make an invisibility cloak/Romulan cloaking device (choose your flavor of geek) but still can't identify what is living in my throat.

Happy birthday, son

2012-01-29T16:41:00.000-08:00

Today would have been Peter's seventh birthday. Mostly it's gotten easier with time, but his birthday is still as hard as it was the first year.

Happy birthday, baby.

To every season

2012-01-22T11:20:00.000-08:00

I had this idea when I was younger that a time would happen when I would know who I was. That there would come a day when all the pieces of my personality would some how mesh into a solid pattern, like carbon atoms achieving the perfect matrix of a diamond.

My whole life, there have been all these different parts of me that I could never successfully coordinate. There's the scholar part of my personality, and the geek part; there's the nine year old girl who is obsessed with owls and hedgehogs and gnomes; the tailored classic country clubber and the crunchy earth mother; the planner, the list-maker, the organizer; the dreamer with a stack of books and a garden swing; the maker who tries different crafts and hobbies every three months or so; the mother; the lover; the naturalist seeking simplicity lives cheek by jowl with the girl who lusts after expensive leather purses and sparkling stones.

For so long this felt like I was unfinished. Trying to reconcile the contradictory parts of my personality into one finished piece of art - trying to cross "grow up' off of my life's to-do list - has never felt within my grasp.

Last night, I was looking at a picture that reminded me of the images you see through a kaleidoscope. One of the great things about kaleidoscopes is that the image is never fixed. You can always give it another turn and see what happens. Sure, diamonds are pretty and sparkly and reflect the light, but they are always the same. Kaleidoscopes are much more fun. You are always creating new beautiful arrangements. Diamonds all have flaws, fixed within them, that are permanent. Kaleidoscopes don't have that problem. All the inclusions are a part of the beauty. What takes center stage in one scene will fade into the background with another twist of the viewer, and then merge together with another image to form something greater than the sum of the parts in a third image.

I think life is more like a kaleidoscope than a diamond.There isn't one right configuration for all of my elements. They mix together and create different patterns for my life at different times. For someone who gets bored easily, that's a benefit and not a drawback. My life has been pretty stable for the last few years. I've seen certain parts of my life take a dominant position, and some have faded so far into the background that I have almost forgotten them. I've turned my kaleidoscope, and I have a feeling I'll keep turning it for the next year or two trying to find a new pattern I want to look at for the next phase of my life. But I'll always remember that when I want to, I can turn it again, and a new pattern will emerge.

Seven for Saturday: January 21, 2012

2012-01-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

1. Seeing the look of happiness on GeekBoy's face while he was opening his birthday presents.
2. Cooper randomly telling me that hippos don't fit in backpacks.
3. A student told me I would fit right in on The Big Bang Theory. Best compliment from a student ever.
4. The 100th episode of The Big Bang Theory. I laughed until I was on the verge of tears. As someone who has played more games of Catan than I can count, those conversations were dead. on.
5. We had a breaker flip in the middle of the night. We found this out by Cooper coming into our bedroom and asking to sleep with us. Our new bed is big enough that he can fit in the bed without disturbing my sleep. Sleepy cuddles are awesome.
6. Needing a treat and knowing there were no treats in the house. And then remembering about my emergency chocolate drawer that GeekBoy stocks for me. Such a great feeling to open it up and have a choice of treats.
7. GeekBoy got me a bird house for the yard. One step closer to getting our yard certified as wildlife habitat.

Things to do with Cooper

2012-01-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

I have all these ideas running around in my head about the things I want to do with Cooper when I get to stay home with him.

1. Make big soft pretzels.
2. Plant a play yard with sunflower walls and a teepee covered in some sort of vine.
3. Grow a small garden that he gets to decide what is in it.
4. Do yoga together.
5. Do little "chef" classes - he loves to help in the kitchen.
6. Read together every day, just for fun.
7. Test out every playground in the city.
8. Feed the geese our failures from number five.
9. Make suet pine cones with pine cones we gather ourselves.
10. Blow the biggest bubble ever.
11. Sidewalk chalk art contests.
12. Weekly library trips.
13. Learn the names of the stars in the sky.
14. Take walks under every full moon.
15. Hopscotch.
16. Go to the zoo a lot.
17. Visiting daddy at work for lunch.
18. Nature walks.
19. Building forts and caves in the living room.
20. Bike rides.
21. Popping popcorn on the stove.

I will not attempt to do these all at the same time, or even in the same year. But they are things I want to do.

And back to our normal programming

2012-01-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

And, I'm back to feeling good about this whole thing. I really am excited to try and live out some values concerning sustainability and ecology that I didn't have the opportunity to do before.

My problem is going to be going about this in a sensible manner instead of a "do ALL the things NOW" kind of way. I tend to either being going 100mph or completely stopped. I need to work on a middle ground.

Weird head space

2012-01-16T15:31:00.000-08:00

So. I think I have transitioned from the, "Yay, so many choices! The possibilities are endless!" option to, "Oh my word, there are so many choices. The possibilities are...endless."

If you haven't figured out by the title of my blog, I am a very goal oriented person. I like plans. I like knowing what the next step is. I like crossing things off of my to do list. I have been known to write things on my to do list after I did them, just so I could cross them off.

I love a feeling of accomplishment. I like other people being able to see what I accomplished. I like being able to say "Done." and look about and see what I have finished.

I have known what the next step of my life was going to be since...junior high? Graduate, college, marriage, advanced degrees, kids. All of these were planned for and accomplished. And though there were some detours and scenic routes, all of these things happened.

And now I don't know what it is I am supposed to be accomplishing next.

It's unsettling.

I have a question: Is it okay to be - and I'm going to get slammed for using this word - just a mom? I don't mean that being a mom is easy because I am under no illusions there. And I don't think being a mom is of less importance than any other thing women do. Caring for another human being has to be the pinnacle of human experience. But is it okay to just mother. And not mother while being an A-list blogger/raising heirloom tomatoes in a multinational organization to preserve seed diversity/spinning yarn from the fleece of the pygmy goats that I rescued from experimenters (fleece? fur? hair? What do goats have?)/developing a plan for international peace/sewing my own clothes/founding a multimillion dollar empire dedicated to...something?

There is sooo much pride embodied in this question: Am I allowed to just be mom for a while? I have above-average intelligence and a good work ethic. Combine that with being told "Unto whom much is given, much is required" on a fairly regular basis all my life, and I feel like I have to be extraordinary or I'm failing. I was voted "Most Likely to Conquer the World" by my senior class. The guy who was voted the same died in an accident a year after we graduated. I kind of feel like I need to conquer the world for him as well. And for his parents.

I feel like it's okay for me to quit my job because now I am going to home school Cooper and that is noble and virtuous and provides a reason for me to be at home. It isn't enough, in my own mind at least, to say I am going to be a stay at home mom, and my kid is going to go to public school, and I am going to have several hours of the day to myself with little to no responsibility to anyone other than my own soul and conception of the good.

I need to accomplish something.

I just don't know what yet.

And yes, I know parenting is an accomplishment and the most important work I can do is parenting well and it is never done blahblahblah crunchy platitudecakes. I know all that stuff. In my head. It just doesn't seem like truth to my heart.

Seven for Saturday - January 14, 2012

2012-01-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

1. Getting to use the phrase, "Whatcha gonna do, fire me?" at work. There are some benefits to resigning.

2. Going an entire week without burning anything in the microwave at work - did I mention burning popcorn and then almost setting off the smoke alarm at work the next day last week? A week later the microwave still smells like smoke. Apparently, they are serious about the "add water to line" part when you make fancy cup o noodles. Note to self - figure out if there is a way to remove smoke smell from microwaves. I'm pretty sure that some combination of baking soda and vinegar would do it.

3. We have a pupusa wagon in town! The only El Salvadorean restaurant in town was short lived and went out of business about two years ago. But we had pupusas for dinner tonight and they were sooooo good.

4. Reading a new book to Cooper and watching him be mesmerized by the story. If you have a child in your family mesmerized by trucks, you should get a copy of Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site. It is wonderful.

5. GeekBoy restocked my emergency chocolate drawer without prompting. He also stocked it with multiple types of chocolate so I can match the emergency with the appropriate treat.

6. I ordered some frames for the art work GeekBoy bought me for Christmas. They showed up this week heavily bubble wrapped. So Cooper and I have been having bubble wrap dance parties this week.

7. GeekBoy made the best oatmeal raisin chocolate chip cookies Sunday night. They were delicious, and he made them because I wasn't feeling well and asked him to make me cookies and he didn't even complain at all.

Life plans

2012-01-14T08:49:00.000-08:00

I resigned my job. Again. My chair refused to accept the letter the first time and told me to take more time to think about it. So yesterday, I resigned my job again. The job I worked for a decade to get. The job that pays significant amounts of money. The job that I love (most of the parts most of the time.) And I feel so relieved. It's like I suddenly have all these opportunities that I can take advantage of, and all these choices that I can make.

I keep flashing back to that scene in You've Got Mail, where Meg Ryan's character is talking about writing a children's book, and that this is something she never would have done if she kept the store. I know a lot of people got irritated with this movie because she falls in love with the guy who put her out of business, but it seems to me that sometimes, our lives are planned so far ahead that we sometimes outgrow the plan and don't change it. Life changes us as we go along, and being willing to embrace the change and give up the plan of the person you used to be and create a new plan for the person you are now is an important ability. I am not willing to buy in to the sunk cost fallacy.

I am not the person I was a decade ago. But every experience I have had in the last decade has lead me to be the person I am now. And frankly, I like the person I am now. I can't regret a single decision I've made because they all taught me something and shaped who I am. And who I am is awesome.I've done what I needed to do at the University. I have learned important things about me. I'm coming to realize that I get bored easily, and once I have mastered something, I feel a need to move on to something new. I'm not content with just being good at something. I have new things to learn and do and create.

The resignation was prompted by my fibromyalgia getting so bad that I literally couldn't do my job and maintain any level of meaningful health, but I am thinking that this is actually a blessing in disguise. So I am going to go from working full-time or more with a substantial income to being a stay at home mother and homeschooling Cooper and dealing with a budget.

And I couldn't be more excited about any of it.

Dickens

2012-01-13T19:24:00.001-08:00

I am ashamed to admit that I have never read a book by Charles Dickens, other than A Christmas Carol. If you were to pick only one Charles Dickens book to read, which one would you recommend?

Trends

2012-01-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

I know trends are cyclical, and taste is individual, and the people who can't wait for the owl to go the way of the dodo are probably disgusted with my love of all things hootie. And hedgehoggie. And gnomes and mushrooms. Okay.

But seriously, I do not get the hipster fascination with mustaches, the mommy-blogger need to make all food look like a rainbow (seriously, I look at those pictures and the only thing I can think of is the amount of artificial food coloring you are pumping into your kid) and the fashion trend of patterned tights. I have yet to see a pair that didn't make the wearer look like she had some sort of weird skin disease on her legs.

Quitting

2012-01-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

I developed a simulation for class today and it went really well. One student told me that it was the best class she had even been in.

A student told me that a comment I made two and a half years ago completely changed her life and she is now a much better person.

I have to remind myself that while quitting is hard, not quitting will be harder.

Seven for Saturday - Jan 7, 2012

2012-01-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

In my quest to find joy in the small things, and maybe spread a little joy, I'm going to try and do a list of seven things that made me happy in the previous week. Knowing I have to make a list should help me pay more attention to the good moments in my life.

1. A friend told me that I'm one of the lucky ones who has the coloring to pull off a wide range of hair colors. This was in response to me dyeing my hair a very dark brown. This is one more thing I can add to my list of things I love about my body.
2. The TV show My Boys.It's not great television, and the baseball metaphor can be a little overplayed - hahaha, get it? - but it's cute and fun and relaxing. Sometimes you just want to be entertained. This fills that spot.
3. I got an email from a student who is now in graduate school thanking me for all the things I taught her, and how much it has helped her in her program.
4. I have started using the "Absofrickinglutely" rule for deciding which things I want to be involved in.
5. GeekBoy found a Christmas present that he forgot to give me, the Firefly Les Femmes prints by amazing artist Megan Lara.
6. I have been listening to the new album by Florence and the Machine, Ceremonials. Her voice is almost primal. Total love.
7. Whole grain toast with almond butter and honey. Mmmmmm.

Cooper, I Choose You

2012-01-05T16:16:00.000-08:00

I would like to announce that I have knocked two things off of my list. I have a new mattress on the way. Also, I did something completely unexpected, though it was not spontaneous.

I quit my job.

I love my job. No, seriously. I love it. I've worked hard to get where I am. I love my coworkers. I love my students. I love being around these people and the conversations and the energy and feeling like I am making a difference in the world.

The part I don't like is spending every day on painkillers because my job uses up every ounce of energy I have and then draws on my reserves. Weekends for the last semester have been spent sleeping to regain energy. Every night after work involved me slumping into a chair, taking pain medication with my dinner, and having no ability to interact meaningfully with my husband or son. I was on painkillers almost every day for the last six weeks of the semester.

Over Christmas break, I actually got to sleep. I got to rest. I got to relax. I stopped being on painkillers. I laughed all the way down to my soul. I played with my son. I had fantastic sex with my husband. I remembered the person I used to be before I was on pain meds every day.

On one of the last days of break, as GeekBoy and I had a lovely lunch together, he asked me, "Do you really want to go back?" And I started to cry. Because as much as I love the people and the students and teaching, I dreaded going back to the zombie I am during the semester.

Last semester, Cooper got used to being with me for five minutes a day. I couldn't play with him, because if he touched me too hard, it would hurt so bad I couldn't keep from crying out in pain. And then he prayed to ask Heavenly Father to make me better so I could play with him.

When your child prays for something, how can you not do everything in your power to answer his prayers?

And so today, I quit. Academic hiring takes forever, and I don't feel like I can leave the university or the department in the lurch, so my plan is for me to finish out this semester as scheduled, to drop to 75% contract next semester, and then to stop working.

This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. I feel like I am letting down my department, my university, my students, especially the female ones as I am the only female permanent faculty member in the department, womankind in general, and myself. If only I was stronger/better/faster/more righteous/more something, I would have been able to do everything.

But I can't.

I can't be the mother I want to be or the wife I want to be and keep all the balls in the air. I taught one class today. I advised one student today. I planned one activity today. And I'm tired. And I hurt.

I needed to make a decision, and through a lot of prayer and crying and priesthood blessings, Geekboy and I have made the decision that I am going to be a stay-at-home mom for the next little while. Cooper is going to get a mommy he can play with. And everything is going to be okay.

Getting my life together

2012-01-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

So, I suppose it's time for me to start having an adult life. No, not like that you weirdos. It is time for me to get my act together and stuff. Probably should stop using stuff as a descriptive word if I want this adult thing to stick.

First thing I have done in order to get my life together: I threw away all my makeup I bought during the Bush Administration. Ew. Just think about all the nasty germies and other microbes that are crawling around in there, especially if you ever use your fingers as an applicator.

Then, I threw away all my mascara and started over with new ones. Docs say you shouldn't use any makeup that touches your eye for more than six months. That means I need to sharpen all my eye pencils anyway. It's nice to take a moment when you're not frantically trying to get dressed to put a fresh point on the eye pencils. They work so much better that way.

You should do this, too. Go, I'll wait. If you don't have any mascara, you should buy some. Just some nice brownish-black, a tinted moisturizing sunscreen and a neutral lip gloss and you'll feel like a whole new person.

And if you're a boy, well...go throw away all your underwear and buy new ones. Probably socks, too.

Impersonating an adult

2012-01-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

I turn 36 this month. That's like...old. Like middle age old. My 16 year old self would think I am ancient. People tell me I don't look that old. Good genes and moisturizing sunscreen on my face every day since I was 16. I also stay out of the sun as much as possible because I burn super easily. I once got a sunburn walking across a parking lot in Arizona in the summer.

Okay, back to the old. I know I'm not really old when it comes down to it. But I'm a full time resident of adult land. I am paying a bank to stay in my house rather than a landlord. I have a career. I'm married and have children and a pet that wasn't won at a fair. All these strike me as characteristics of adulthood. If I was a bird, and a birdwatcher was trying to classify me, all these are things what would indicate that I am a full-fledged (hahahahaaa) member of the species adultus humanus.

And yet. I have Playmobil goats on my desk. The required good Mormon Christus statue sits next to a sculpture of a meditating elephant. One of my favorite Christmas presents this year is a miniature spirograph. I like to color. I wear funky socks under my work pants. I shot my husband with a squirt bottle this morning.

These are not things that I think of when I think of an adult. But I'm not sure why. Whoever said that being an adult meant being boring? Who says I can't wear polka dot socks as I lecture about Plato? Nobody. Or at least nobody that I feel like listening to.

Somebody I do like listening to said “In all of living have much of fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” Gordon B. Hinckley, “Stand True and Faithful,” Ensign, May 1996, 91. I am going to enjoy life as an adult. Maybe that means by some standards I will not be an "adult." If that is the case, then I am going to just impersonate an adult. That way, I don't really have to be one, I can just act like it when needed.

So this is my plan for the year - to impersonate an adult.

What does an adult look like in my mind?

An adult takes care of herself.
An adult cares for those people and objects in her stewardship.
An adult knows her limits, and her horizons, and does not confuse the two.
An adult has at least as many laugh lines as wrinkles.
An adult finds joy in small things.
An adult knows that all sadness passes.
An adult has a place for all things, and all things (usually) are in their place.
An adult is more tortoise than hare.
An adult has a roadmap for the future, but also takes scenic detours.
An adult has passions, rather than fads.

So this is my journey this year. To become an adult on my terms, rather than someone else's. I'll be blogging some of the things I do to make this happen, so if you want to be an adult on my terms, you can. I really encourage you to come up with your own, though. It is much more satisfying.

I am still a geek

2011-12-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

I have been much more geek adjacent than full geek lately.

Then, tonight, I was cooking dinner, and as I was smashing the tomatoes in the skillet for my fantastic homemade tomato sauce, one of the tomatoes exploded and I got hit by flying, superheated tomato juice.

The first thing I thought was, "OOOOWWWW!"

Then next thing I thought was, "Splash damage."

And then I decided to figure out how much damage flying, superheated tomato juice would do.

I am still a geek.

Oh, and 1d2.

12 Big Things for 2012

2011-12-30T13:59:00.000-08:00

1. Buy new mattress for our bed. Ours is ten years old and slumpy.
2. Finish the basement.
3. Fence the backyard.
4. GeekBoy and I take a real vacation, sans Cooper.
5. GeekBoy and I take a real vacation with Cooper.
6. Plant a tree that is at least as tall as I am.
7. Laugh more than I did last year.
8. Make an item of clothing - not an accessory - and wear it.
9. Read thirty books for fun.
10. Try thirty new recipes.
11. Find a new poet to adore.
12. Do something completely spontaneous and unexpected.

Christmas

2011-12-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful Christmas this year. We decided not to go anywhere and just stay home so we could all (read:me) sleep as much as we wanted and finally get feeling better.

My annual pledge to not spoil Cooper was once again a total failure, and was helped out even more by loving aunts and uncles who treat him like one of their own. Let's just say I think I could set up a Playmobil store in my living room and leave it at that.

People always say it is better to give than to receive, and at Christmas I especially believe that. Watching Geekboy and Cooper open presents that I spent a lot of time thinking about, and how happy and excited they were was great. Of course, they also did wonderfully in their choice of presents for me. True love is 180 pounds of fancy birdseed.

Next year, we're going to go spend Christmas with my family. That was the one thing that I really missed over the holidays, was my family and all the noise and crazy and cooking and laughing until you cry and new books that you steal from people when they set them down that goes along with my family.

Little Eyes

2011-12-23T21:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you never know what your child is actually paying attention to. It's been a rough few months healthwise. Tonight, Cooper was saying his prayers, and he said, "Please bless Momma, that her body will get all clean." He says something is all clean when it is working right.

I managed to not cry in front of him.

I am a legend in my own time

2011-12-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

From a student evaluation:
"This class was as awful and painful as everyone's says."

I am not familiar with Everyone's says, but apparently, it's pretty bad.

On a serious note, I do agree with all of the "How could this class be made better" comments. Every once in a while, you do have the random student that goes off on you, but in general, I have been impressed with the ability of my students to offer substantive feedback on what works and what doesn't in a class.

I have a hard time relaxing

2011-12-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

I declared this morning that today was going to be my day to relax. It helped that I slept in until a little after 10:00am. At that point, why not declare a day off.

But instead, I wrapped ALL the presents. Two hours and four rolls of wrapping paper later, that was done. I love finishing off a roll of wrapping paper.

Then I decided to start sewing gifts for people. It turns out that, though I can make a stuffed shark with no pattern, I have problems sewing rectangles together. I am not sure what my problem is. Maybe I will wait until after Christmas to craft things.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow I will relax

End of the semester

2011-12-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

I finished up all the semester end stuff today and a bunch of administrative stuff as well.

I went grocery shopping and got real food for my family, so we aren't surviving on leftovers.

And then I got home and realized I had left all my work I need to do over the break in my office. Grrr.

O break, where are thou?

2011-12-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

Theoretically, my break starts tomorrow. Realistically, all day tomorrow will be spent in my office finishing up grading, writing letters of recommendation, and finishing up all the administrative tasks that I have to do. I honestly cannot imagine what it must be like to be heavily involved in administration.

Classes start again on January 4th. I have almost nothing done for my syllabi for next semester. One of them is for a class I am drastically reworking; another for a class I've never taught before.

Oh, and I have a conference paper I was planning on writing over the break, too.

Hmm. This does not seem very break-like to me.

My take on a Christmas Classic

2011-12-17T18:52:00.000-08:00

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Professor Version

It's the most wonderful time of the year!
With the students appealing the grades they're receiving,
"What's with this F?"
It's the most wonderful time of the year.

It's the hap-happiest season of all!
The finals aren't graded, the faculty's jaded,
And students I've not seen since fall!
It's the hap-happiest season of all!

There'll be stories of sickness
And grandmas who've kicked it
And slide-offs into the snow.
Academic suspension and
Scholarship tension and
Homework from long, long ago!

It's the most wonderful time of the year
My patience is fading,
I'll finish my grading
When students aren't here!
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

There'll be technology crashes
And tears on the lashes,
And deadlines that they didn't know.
The roommate's psychotic,
The boyfriend's hypnotic and
He just would not let her goooooooo!

It's the most wonderful time of the year
There is much celebrating
I've finished my grading
And I'm on my break!It's the most wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Honestly, I love about 99% of my students. And I love the other 1% because it's a commandment. Every once in a while, I just have to write a song. It's who I am.

I love my job

2011-12-16T20:56:00.001-08:00

GeekBoy: How do you deal with coworkers who say stupid political stuff?

Me: I work with political science professors. They don't say stupid political stuff.

GeekBoy: Oh, yeah.

The Princess and the Pea

2011-12-15T15:22:00.000-08:00

Last night was bad. As I was laying in bed, I could feel something digging painfully into my side. I rolled over onto my back so I could look to see what it was. There was nothing on the bed, and as I ran my hand down my side trying to see if I had something under my night shirt, I realized I had been laying on a wrinkle in my shirt.

I have never felt more like a princess in my life.

Yes, this.

2011-12-14T18:19:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs to read this.

Doctor appointment

2011-12-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

We have run out of treatment options.

Let's put you on something you tried in the past, but at a higher dose.

Do you need a re-fill on your pain meds?

*sigh*

I love my body

2011-12-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

1. My body is not actively trying to kill me.
2. My eyes allow me to see beauty every day.
3. I have a beautiful singing voice.
4. My body bore two beautiful children.
5. My ears hear my husband say, "I love you."
6. My body lets me hug my kid, tuck him into bed, and give him good night kisses.
7. I have lips that are the color and shape that most women try to get with lipstick.
8. My fibromyalgia means I am on so many medications that I can't donate blood, so I don't have to feel guilty about not donating.
9. I have gorgeous blue eyes, that I passed on to Cooper.
10. I have three little moles in the center of my back that form a tiny triangle. I'm grateful for that because if I ever get decapitated, I'll still be easy to identify.

Gratitude

2011-12-11T18:49:00.001-08:00

Chocolate
Health Insurance
Laughter
A healthy kid
Pain meds
My husband who takes care of me without a complaint
The priesthood
Home teachers who care
Down blankets
Avocado
Books
My family
My kindle
Temple covenants
Glasses
Electricity
Heaters
Purple
Passion
Snickerdoodles
My grandpa who converted to our faith
Birdsong
Garden swings
Sunshine
Rain storms
Teaching
Learning
Love
Truth
Wendell Berry
Gainful employment
Meaningful employment
My mom's fudge
Christmas lights
Hedgehogs
Fuzzy socks
Friendship
My son that died
The resurrection
Sharpies
Notebooks
Donut holes
Faith
The desire to achieve
Candles
Cuddling
Music that you can sing along to at the top of your lungs
Music that inspires
Libraries
C.S. Lewis
Aldo Leopold
The Pacific Ocean
The Snake River
Redwood Trees
Bald Eagles
My cat
The scent of lilac blooming in the spring
Cruise control
The spot on my husband's stomach that is the perfect pillow for my head when I have had a bad day.
Poetry
BBC miniseries
The internets
My siblings
My parents
Toenail polish
Barefoot weather
Craft supplies
Bookshelves
Streaming video
Indoor water fights
Falling in love over and over again
Inspiration
Revelation
Snuggling puppies at the pet store to stave off my "need something cute and little" urges
A husband who thinks it is sexy when I am smart
Happy rocks
Purple hippos
Having been married long enough to say, "Remember when...?"
Lip gloss
Massages
Nutella
Everything bagels with whipped cream cheese
Bountiful Baskets
Bacon
Geek webcomics
Fantasy novels
Indoor plumbing
Cute hair clippies
King Benjamin
Washing machines and dryers

My fibromyalgia and headache has been worse than normal lately. I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday. We'll see if we can make any more medication changes or if anything else can be done. My body feels like it is holding me hostage anymore, so I am going to see if I can come up with ten things about my body for which I am grateful, because I can't make myself be grateful for the fibromyalgia. Yet.

My fingernails that look like I have a french manicure with no effort
My intellect
Hair that grows superfast so I have no fear about doing weird things to it because if it doesn't work it will just grow back out.

Rules for life

2011-11-27T15:28:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about the rules for living that I have learned in my years. I've learned them from lots of different sources, and at lots of different points in my life.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
Take only pictures, leave only footprints.
Inexpensive is good. Cheap is not.
Love is always the answer.
A place for everything, and everything in its place.
It may be the easy way, but its not the cowboy way.
Its not all about you.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
You may not be able to control what happens to you. You can control how you respond to what happens to you, though.

Ten rules were enough for the ancient Israelites. Ten rules are good enough for me.

What rules do you follow in your life?

Mormons are not Christians

2011-10-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

One of the things I tell my research students on an almost weekly basis is that they need to define their terms. The recent fight over whether or not Mormons are Christians is a classic case in point.

Christian denominations insist that Mormons are not Christians. Mormons insist that they are. That is due to a fundamental disagreement over what we mean when we use the term Christian. Mormons as a group don't understand why people can't figure out that we are Christian. Our church is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Look, we say, it's right there in the name. We accept Christ as our Savior. We believe in the virgin birth, His death on the Cross and the Resurrection. We believe He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No man cometh unto the Father except through Him. Where is the confusion coming from, we wonder.

But as essential as that all is to being a Christian, my understanding of what is entailed in the term Christian as used by other denominations goes far beyond those doctrinal issues. It requires a belief in a creedal history that Mormons do not have.

We can share most of the Apostles creed in common with mainstream Christianity. We don't believe that Christ descended into hell while he was dead, because we don't believe in hell the way that most Christians do. Rather, we believe that during the three days between his death and resurrection, Christ organized missionary efforts amongst the righteous dead to send his message to those who died without a knowledge of Christ. We also don't really believe in the Catholic/Christian church. The Nicene and Athanasian Creeds head further into unshared water.

We don't believe in the Trinity.
We don't believe in predestination.
We don't believe that most people are going to end up in hell.
We don't believe that man is, by nature, fallen.

What do we believe?

We believe that we are literally spirit children of God the Father, that we lived with Him in heaven before we were born, and that we all chose to come to earth to further our spiritual progression.

We believe that Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are three distinct personages.

We believe that the Fall caused death to come to this world, and that as mortals we are subjected to weakness and temptation because of our existence in a fallen world and at the hands of Satan and his followers. We believe that only through the Atonement of Christ can we be saved, both from the effects of death and sin.

We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved.

We believe that through the Atonement, not only can we be forgiven, but we can be perfected, long after this life is over. Yes, we believe that the biblical wording that "ye are gods" is actually descriptive. We can become like unto God, through probably millions of years of participation in the redemptive process of the Atonement.

We believe that families can be eternal. We believe that through ordinances available in the temple, families can continue forever.

To try and gloss over the magnitude of the differences between Mormonism and mainstream Christianity I think is both intellectually dishonest and demeans the belief systems of those who do not share our doctrine. To try and elide those differences as just minor points of disagreement is to try and ignore ideas that are so central to the spiritual life of millions of people that wars have literally been fought over these concepts.

So you know what I say? I say stop worrying about whether or not we are Christians. Christ Himself said that not everybody who says unto him, Lord, Lord will be saved. Focus on living a Christlike life. Focus on living the gospel of Christ as you understand. Love one another. Love God above all and love your neighbor as yourself.

And fellow Mormons, stop downplaying what makes us distinctive so that we can fit in with everyone else. We are weird. We are a peculiar people. What we believe is different - amazingly, remarkably, eternally different - but that is why it is necessary. If Heavenly Father could have accomplished what he needed with the churches that were currently on the Earth, He wouldn't have had a restoration. There would have been no need for Joseph Smith, or the Book of Mormon, or temples or anything else that makes us stand out. If that makes us a cult in the worlds' eyes, so be it. I'm not particularly interested in what the world thinks of me, anyway.

Think about it this way: We believe all the people claiming the title Christian and refusing to apply it to us are apostate. So why are we so eager to fit in with them in the first place?

So stand tall, fellow Mormons. Embrace your inner Christian, come to terms with your peculiar divine nature, and let your freak flag fly.

Disclaimer: This is just my own beliefs and should not be interpreted as an official statement of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The reason for the long absence

2011-09-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

The morning of the 28th, about 2:00am, I woke up coughing and could feeling something weird in my mouth. I went in to the bathroom and spit up a large mouthful of blood. I yelled for my husband and he came running as I continued to spit up mouthfuls of blood. He got on the phone with my surgeon, and we spent the next two hours trying to get the bleeding to stop. It would stop temporarily, but if I did so much as roll over in bed, it would start again. Finally, about 4:30, we called a friend to come over and sit with our son while we headed to the emergency room. After being poked and prodded by the ER physician, it was determined that I had a "small arterial bleed" and would need emergency surgery to cauterize the artery.

In to surgery I went, the anaesthesiologist applied pressure to my throat as I went under so I wouldn't vomit up the blood that was in my stomach, and a minor surgery later, I emerged cauterized and stitched.

I have never looked so white in my life as I did when I got home later that day from the hospital. I don't know how to quantify the amount of blood I lost, but two weeks later I am still a little anemic and lightheaded at times. It was an incredibly traumatic experience. Geekboy had to give me a blessing that night because I was so scared of going back to bed. I knew that if I fell asleep I would bleed out and die in my sleep. Cooper was very clingy that day because he woke up and his parents were unexpectedly gone. So my husband gave me an incredibly powerful blessing of comfort and healing, and then all three of us piled into our bed and went to sleep. We all needed to be together that night.

I've spent the last week and a bit in pre-semester meetings. I've met with my tenure committee. I did a conference presentation that rocked (and I'm not the one who said that) and prepping for the new semester. It starts tomorrow.

My vacation wasn't very restful. Maybe I'll relax over Christmas.

Things I probably should try to do while on pain medication

2011-08-18T09:20:00.001-07:00

1. Go on Etsy (says my thither.)
2. Try to learn how to knit lace.
3. Juggle knives.
4. Use heavy machinery.

So, ummmmm, now what do I do?

Now, with 100% less tonsils

2011-08-17T17:39:00.001-07:00

I shall be surviving on yogurt, juice and applesauce for the next few days. I'm trying to think of other soft foods to eat that aren't going to irritate my throat.

Conferences, conferences

2011-08-10T20:20:00.000-07:00

I've had two conference proposals accepted in the last month, one at our university's conference, and one at a small regional conference. I submitted another proposal yesterday to a big national conference and was notified by the academia.edu site that someone was googling me this morning, so I'm assuming it is them.

And I just got an email from the section chair at the regional conference asking me if I would be willing to be a panel discussant.

I think I officially feel like a professor.

30 minutes meals

2011-08-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

The fall semester is looming on the distant horizon, and that means less puttering time in the evenings once I get back to work. I'm teaching late afternoon classes three days a week this upcoming semester, and on those nights, the last thing I want to do is cook. So as I've been poking around the internet this summer, I've been keeping an eye out for easy recipes that take under thirty minutes to make. Today for lunch I threw together a recipe that was based on a couple of ones that I've seen floating around and changed it to match what I had in my fridge and cupboards.

Thai Ramen Noodles

1 bell pepper slivered
10 baby carrots, quartered
Two large handfuls of baby spinach
Two packages of ramen noodles (I don't remember buying ramen noodles, but they were in the food storage. Any kind of asian noodle would work, or even spaghetti)
1 T of red curry paste.
1 can of light coconut milk
2 T of sesame oil

Put the water on to boil for the noodles while you chop up your vegetables. When the water comes to a boil, throw the carrots in the water. A minute later, add the ramen noodles.

When the carrots go in the water, add the sesame oil to a skillet, heat over high heat until hot. Add the curry paste and stirfry for about 30 seconds, or until fragrant. Stir in the coconut milk until smooth. Add the bell peppers. Let simmer over medium heat for a few minutes.

When the noodles are almost cooked, throw in the baby spinach and let cook just long enough to wilt. Drain. Put back in the pot, dump the coconut milk mixture over the top and stir through.

Serve in bowls. Pass hot sweet chili sauce at the table to drizzle over the top to taste.

Served all three of us with enough left over to make a part of a work lunch.

Cooper loved eating the ramen noodles because I left them too long. He ate from the bottom up.

I am so boring

2011-08-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

What have I been up to for the last few days?

Got my diploma framed.
Wrote on bananas with toothpicks. One said my son's name. The other said, "Eat me."
Much crafting for presents. Pictures will show up when the gifts have been given so as to not ruin any surprises.
Spent more than two hands worth of hours working on a syllabus. The course is being completely redesigned to take into account a new prerequisite sequence, so even though I've been teaching it for the last two years, it's like designing from scratch. New textbooks, new material, the whole shebang.

That doesn't sound like much, but I've been working what feels like non-stop. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to course design so that's always a much longer process than it would be for some other people. I do love it though. I love planning the perfect semester, where all the projects work perfectly, and all the students lack attitutde problems.

Oh, I got an email from my dean about my student evaluations. I had one student just go after me in a way that was quite upsetting. He just wanted to let me know that I'm a great teacher, and it was obvious that someone had it out for me, but to not worry, because it happens to everybody once in a while. Just one more reason why I love my dean.

Gorgeous Rainy Day

2011-08-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

It was a gorgeous rainy day today. The kind of rain that just keeps falling until there are little creeks running down the alley, and the air is washed free of all impurity.

So I sat in my house with the windows open listening to the rain today. I got a new sewing machine on Saturday. I didn't have a lot of time for making things with my hands during grad school. It was mostly a period of only the essential getting done. I decided to go through my crafting supplies - the little I had kept - and, well...

Fat Owl saw you eat his cookie.

Holier Than Thou Hippie (HTTH) Owl only hunts for prey in organic farmland.

HTTH Owl judges Fat Owl for being made out of synthetic fibers.

Sorta Productive Saturday!

2011-07-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

My fibro was acting up today, so I didn't do much physical stuff. GeekBoy took a bunch of stuff to the DI today, so that was good.

I redesigned a course that I haven't taught in five years today. Wow, that makes it seem like I've been teaching for a long time. I'm really excited about getting to teach it. It's on the presidency, and what an interesting time it's going to be teaching that course right now.

I also synched all the music that I have purchased on three separate computers onto my laptop, so now I have all my happy music in one place.

And, I bought these earrings a few years ago, but I never wore them because the ear wires were super long and dangly and they just bothered me. So today I swapped out the ear wires with ones that I like, so it's like having a brand new pair of earrings.

Photodump Friday

2011-07-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

I spent several hours working on my syllabi for the Fall Semester this afternoon. I think I have one of the three just about whipped into shape. I wonder if there will ever come a semester where I don't redesign at least one major aspect of a syllabus.

I also downloaded all the photos off of my phone onto my laptop, and then uploaded lots of them to my flickr account.

A few favorites:

What I did on Thursday

2011-07-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Lots and lots of laundry.

And this.

It's supposed to be for a six month old, but it came out sized for a two year old. Oh well, kids grow.

My poor summer

2011-07-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

I had a huge list of things I was going to do on summer break, but now it has turned into strep throat central and I have to have my tonsils out and meetings for "new" faculty start three weeks before the semester so my summer break is kind of in disarray.

So, now I'm just kind of wondering what I should do with the bits and pieces of my summer break. I could just stay in bed and do nothing, but to keep me from doing that, I hereby pledge to post one thing I did each day, beyond, you know, eat cold cereal and shower. Just to keep me from totally wasting the parts of summer that I do have.

14th Article of Faith

2011-07-24T20:14:00.001-07:00

If you complain about something at church, you will get called to fix it.

Did you think to pray?

2011-07-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

I suck at praying. I'm sure one of the early saints would have come up with a more eloquent way of saying that, like, "Lo, behold my soul shrinketh in comparison to the mercy and grace that thou has shown me, O Lord, and it is because of thy great goodness O Lord, that I am reluctant to come to thee in my daily trials, because what could someone like me be of interest to thy great Goodness and Mercy and Perfection. When I have gotten my act together, then O Lord, I will be willing to let you into my life. But not now, O Lord, for I have not figured out how to do this all on my own, and only once I have figured out how to do this without You, will I come unto You and say, look Lord, I have done it all on my own. Aren't you proud of me?"

And in that day, which will never come, for it is impossible for me be perfected under my own efforts, He will look at me and say, "O Child, for one so smart, you sure are stupid."

Okay, maybe He wouldn't actually say that, but He might be thinking it loudly. I am thinking it loudly at myself lately.

I know prayer works. When I pray I get answers, but I only pray when things are going really badly. It is difficult for me to keep myself constantly aware of my own reliance on God, without feeling like I am somehow failing at being an independent adult. And there we go, that's the root of the problem. (Writing is amazing. It's how I figure things out.)

I want to be an independent adult. I can do it all by myself. But I can't. My insistence on doing it by myself has brought on me additional trials. I've had people who I trust spiritually tell me that I go through difficult trials because I refuse to ask for help in prayer, and because I'm talented enough to get through most things without having to ask for help. That is why I get the big complicated ones, because only then will I humble myself enough to rely on the Lord for assistance. I kind of think that is one of the reasons why I am dealing with the health issues that I have, to make me more reliant on the Lord and on others for help.

The question that I am struggling with is how do I maintain the humility in good times that I am forced to have when times are rough? I'm not good at that at all, and I feel a strong need to improve in this area of my life recently.

This I Believe

2011-07-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

I believe in love.

I believe that there is a quote from Steel Magnolias that is appropriate for any situation.

I believe that any meal can be improved by the addition of one of the five magic ingredients: butter, cheese, bacon, chocolate or avocado.

I believe that most things in the world can be explained using Star Wars, Battlestar Gallactica, Harry Potter, Dune or Charlie the Unicorn references.

I believe in justice.

I believe in mercy.

I believe in high threadcount bed linens.

I believe in the color purple, the number 42, and that my life has a personal soundtrack that no one else can hear.

I believe in proofreading.

I believe that proofreading and spell checking are two different activities.

I believe in the abolition of the Oxford comma.

I believe in Stephen Fry.

I believe that any problem in the world can be solved by the proper application of office supplies.

I believe that if you can't fix something with vice grips, duct tape and a can of WD-40, you probably shouldn't be messing with it.

I believe that you should take only photographs and leave only footprints.

I believe in poetry.

I believe in homemade bread, warm out of the oven, with jam.

I believe in the power of human goodness.

I believe in hard work.

I believe in singing along with musicals.

I believe in women in general, and the women in my family in particular.

I believe in afternoon naps in the sunshine.

I believe snorgling a baby belly - human or canine - is a cheap anti-depressant.

I believe in laughter.

I believe in myself.

I believe.

Research

2011-07-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

I have a 6,000ish word zero draft of an article. It felt clunky, and was missing something to pull it all together. I read an article today and realized what I was missing. I think I have something important and new to say. Now to just get it out on paper the way it looks in my head.

An Outpouring of the Spirit

2011-06-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

This post is a part of June's Synchroblog. Check back Wednesday evening for a list of links to all the other Synchroblog participants.

The topic for this month is

The Jewish festival of Shavuot (Pentecost) celebrates the giving of the Torah at Sinai, and falls 50 days after the second night of Pesach (Passover). This year that'll be June 7-8, depending on where you live and how you celebrate.

The Christian feast of Pentecost celebrates the outpouring of the Holy Spirit upon the apostles in the book of Acts, ushering in the beginning of the church. Fifty days after Jesus’s resurrection (10 days after His ascension), the apostles were gathered together, and on Pentecost a flame rested upon the shoulders of the apostles and they began to speak in tongues/languages by the power of the Holy Spirit.

For the June synchroblog we invite you to reflect on the foreshadowing that Shavuot brings to the Christian feast of Pentecost. How does the Torah foreshadow the Holy Spirit? What can we learn from our forefathers that will enrich our faith? What are the parallels? What are the differences? These are some (but definitely not all) of the questions that might be explored in this synchroblog.

Honestly, I had to do a little bit of research on Shavuot to figure out how I was going to approach this topic. At the giving of the Torah, there was an outpouring of Spirit as well, but instead of hearing the message of the Apostles in their own tongue, during the receiving of the Law, rabbis tells us that the audience all heard a message as well, but it was communicated by the Spirit, and each person was given a different message.

Even knowing that, I wasn't sure what I was going to say until this morning.

***

He hung back after class. "Sister MyLastName, can I ask you a question?"

Sure.

"How do you balance all this" he waved around the classroom, "with what you know to be true?"

I teach political philosophy at a religious institution. This isn't the first time I've been asked this question, typically of a bright young mind who is sincerely honest both in their belief in God, and in studying in a discipline that doesn't really have a place for God anymore.

"Because, I want to share my testimony, but I'm not sure if I can say 'I know' any more. I believe, but can you really know?"

And I told him. Yes, you know. I know through the Spirit. It's confirmed to me the truthfulness of God being our Father, and Jesus is our Savior, and in Joseph Smith and in the Book of Mormon. I know those things are true. And I leave the rest of it up to God.

I don't really think God cares what you believe about dinosaurs, and geological time tables, and Glenn Beck. He cares whether or not you're keeping the covenants you have made with him. The gospel has existed in a lot of different places and a lot of different times, and sometimes the revelations that were good for other generations don't work today for some reason. I can cut my hair short and eat a cheeseburger and I think that's okay, and I think God's okay with that too. Doctrine doesn't change. Cultural practices of a doctrine does. So, we have to figure out what is doctrine from what is culture.

"Well, how do you do that?"

I said, this is where it gets tricky. You and I both believe in modern day prophets. We sustain them as prophets, seers, and revelators. They receive guidance from the Lord about how to administer his church. Does that mean that every utterance they make is Scripture? No. Sometimes they are just men. And sometimes they get it wrong. And they admit that they got it wrong.

We then talked for a while about how different practices of the church have been disavowed, and where apostles have admitted publicly that they were mistaken about statements they have made.

"So, how do you tell the difference?"

The Spirit will tell you the difference. When someone says something that is incorrect spiritually, the Spirit will let you know that it is incorrect. God trusts you enough to receive confirmation by the Spirit of the truthfulness of any message.

That's not a standard LDS viewpoint. We tend to just accept whatever they say as the truth, but there are times where they are factually inaccurate, or that the message they are giving as a general guiding principle doesn't apply to you, or needs to be practiced in a non-standard way. This is the point to me of the parallels between the giving of the Old Testament Law and the New Testament Law. Both involve God speaking, through the Spirit, to each of His children in an individualized personal manner. Whether it is literally in a different language, or if he is just speaking the language of our heart, we should be prepared for and seek after opportunities to feel the guiding influence of the Spirit in how we live the Gospel.

And I ended with, when in doubt, act out of love, and you'll never be wrong.

I hope it helped.

Kerri at Earth’s Crammed With Heaven… – Transformation
Sarita Brown at Gypsy Queen Journals – Pentecost: A Poem
Jeremy Myers at Till He Comes - The Incarnation of the Temple, Torah, and Land
Tammy Carter at Blessing the Beloved - Random Biblical Calendar Thoughts, Unity & Love
K. W. Leslie at More Christ – Pentecost
Liz Dyer at Grace Rules – We Cannot Capture The Wind
Emma Nadine at Life by List - An Outpouring of the Spirit
Marta Layton at Marta’s Mathoms - Shadow of Things to Come?
Abbie Waters at No Longer “Not Your Grandfather’s CPA” - Spiritual Gifts
Bill Sahlman at Creative Reflections - A “Wild Goose” Festival at Pentecost
John O’Keefe at john c. o’keefe – What’s With This
Kathy Escobar at kathy escobar – more than the leftovers

Even Skeletor Has Friends

2011-05-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

I've got multiple tabs up right now as I watch the world wait for President Obama to confirm what all the news stations are blaring: Osama bin Laden is dead.

I'm kind of appalled at what is going on in my news feed on Facebook. People are celebrating the death of another human being.

Yes, I know, 9-11, USS Cole, and a hundred other atrocities can be placed at his feet. But still, he's a human being, and people are lighting fireworks and popping champagne.

The only thing I can think to say is this:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Doctor Me

2011-04-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

I passed my defense. It seems like that should be a bigger deal than it is, but my defense was actually pretty easy. I guess having a committee that has given you extensive feedback along the way so you're on your fourth draft by the time you get to defend helps with that.

Most of the discussion was about how to turn it into a book. They want me to anticipate my critics. I laughed internally at that. I have critics? When did that happen? Oh, yeah, at the point I became a doctor.

It's been a weird week and a half since then. I feel at lost ends. You don't realize the enormity of the timesuck that a project like that is until you don't have it to do anymore, and you start wondering what to do with all that time. I haven't heard back about the job yet, so I'm still waiting to hear if my hire got approved, so it's hard to move forward with anything academically until I know what's going on there.

So, today I dealt with some curriculum issues our program is having. And then I designed a Secret Agent Man major. It includes politics, criminology, social dance and welding.

When the FBI comes knocking

2011-04-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

Scene: I am sitting at my desk, with the office door open. I am helping a student analyze his research results. The student leaves and I see a middle aged man in a black coat standing there. I assume he is a used textbook buyer.

Me: Can I help you?

Man: Hi, I’m from the FBI…

Me thinking: *yeah right, which one of my students put you up to this?”

Man shows me his badge.

Me thinking: Oh, crap!

Man: I need to talk to you…

Me thinking: It was Modern Theory Class! I’m supposed to teach Marx!

Man: … about one of your students…

Me thinking: Did one of them think I was serious and go shoot a member of the bourgeoisie?

Man: …who is applying to be an intern with us.

Me:* internal sigh of relief* Oh sure, come on in.

End scene.

Note to self: 1. Never let them see you sweat. 2. It’s not all about you.

Big week

2011-03-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

This week:

I got permission to defend my dissertation. Draft three took, and I get to defend in April.
I was informed that I am the preferred candidate for the tenure track job I applied for. The university has sent my name to the executive board for approval. If they sign off, I have the job.
My husband got a great job offer from a company that is recruiting him. They are still negotiating the details, but it looks like he'll be leaving the company he's worked for for the last decade.

We've had so many of these major life change issues going on during the last month that it has been difficult to make plans because so much is up in the air. As one of these things gets nailed down after the other - and seriously, all three of these still have uncertainty to one degree or another - it should make planning easier. We're potentially going to sell our house and move. Maybe. To one of three cities. And we'll have to make decisions about schools for Cooper and all sorts of fun stuff.

I bought a little notebook to keep in my purse that I can jot down all the little things that will need to get done on multiple fronts over the next while to make sure all these things happen when they are supposed to.

It's back to life by list.

Life in the Wilderness

2011-03-07T18:27:00.000-08:00

This post is part of a Synchroblog on the season of Lent and experiences in the wilderness. Check at the end of this post for a list of the other blog posts that are part of this synchroblog.

I knew something was wrong by the look on his face. You don't miscarry two sets of twins and not get good at reading the faces of doctors when they are looking at your ultrasound.

This time was supposed to be different. My husband had given me a blessing when we found out that I was pregnant. In that blessing, he gave me two distinct promises. First, that this child would be born into mortality with everything he needed to accomplish his mission on earth; second, that I would be happy the day he was born.

I had panicked at the first promise. That language means something to a Mormon. It means that something is wrong, that the child will die quickly because all he needs is a body before he returns to his Heavenly Father. But I couldn't reconcile that promise with the second one. How could I be happy if my child died? I decided that I must be overanalyzing the language of the blessing. God promised me happiness. Happiness would be had.

As the doctor started listing off all the problems he was seeing - hydrocephalus, a missing heart chamber, no kidneys, and on and on - I felt as if a fluffy warm down comforter was wrapped around me. I know now that God walked me through the rest of my time with this pregnancy. I was supported by the love of my Father for me through the hardest experience of my life. I was protected as much as I possibly could be and still allow me to learn from this experience all the lessons that I needed to learn.

Even through the grief, I felt at a distance from the pronouncement. I knew I was supposed to be happy when this child was born, and that could not happen with this set of facts. We were sent to a specialist to confirm the diagnosis. They concurred that the fetus probably wouldn't make it to term, and if it did, would only live a few minutes at the most. We were given the opportunity for an abortion. We declined. That was my baby. I was going to treasure each moment I had with him.

And so our time of waiting began. We waited, not knowing how long the pregnancy would last. Every week we went in for a doctor's appointment. Every week his heart was still beating. Week after week I clung to the promise of happiness, expecting a miracle.

Finally, at about 31 weeks, my OB sent me in for another ultrasound. He told me that there was no way I should have made it that far in my pregnancy, and he wanted to see exactly what was going on. The ultrasound showed not my expected miracle, but that the baby's hydrocephalus had progressed to the point where his head was already measuring 41 weeks. The specialists told me there was no sign that the pregnancy was going to end on its own, and if I ever wanted to get pregnant again, they advised me to induce labor as soon as possible to prevent a c-section scar so significant that it would prevent me ever having another pregnancy.

And so we did. The next evening, I went in to the hospital and labor was induced. The next morning, my son was born. His heart had stopped beating at some point during labor, so they handed me his body, wrapped in a blanket. I held him. And I was happy.

Those 11 weeks of waiting, of not knowing, of wondering what was going to happen, of all the science saying one thing and my faith saying something else, led to one of the most marvelous revelations of the love of God in my life. I had a son. And I knew that because of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the sealing ordinances of the temple, that regardless of the amount of time I held him here on earth, that he would be my son for eternity. I held him, and I could feel his spirit in the room. We all held him, my husband, grandparents, uncles and aunts. We told him we loved him. We cherished him. We welcomed him to our family. I can honestly say that the happiness I felt at the birth of my son was no different than what I felt at the birth of our next son, who is currently running around the living room at top speed impersonating an airplane.

I thought that God had to fulfill his promise in a specific way. Like the Jews of the Old Testament, I was not expecting the fulfillment of promise in a radically different manner than my mortal understanding could predict. God showed his power over all things in the fulfillment of promise in his own way. He sent me a son, to remind me of the Son of God, and to await for the promised blessings of the resurrection that His Son made possible.

So now, I wait. This life is a wilderness of preparation to be brought back into the presence of God. My not knowing is subsumed in what I do know.

God fulfills his promises.

Always.

Even, and especially, in the wilderness.

Patrick Oden (at Dual Ravens) was prolific with a four part series called “Musings” and they can be found here:
Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four
Katherine Gunn at A Voice in the Wilderness writes What Is Wilderness?
Wendy McCaig giving us a View from the Bridge brings A Voice Calling In The Wilderness
Tammy Carter of Blessing the Beloved is taking a rest as she Put Down the Axe
Jeremy Myers writing at Til He Comes ponders The Gaping Chasm of Suicide
kathy escobar shares the carnival in my head and writes about belonging
Steve Hayes of Methodius describes Anatomy of exile
Marta Layton at Marta’s Mathoms writes On Sabbaths, Mountain-Tops… and Brothers’ Keepers
Liz Dyer at Grace Rules discovers Beauty In The Wilderness
Christen Hansel of Greener Grass offers up Snapshots of the Desert

Saturday, i.e. the eye of the storm.

2011-03-05T07:56:00.000-08:00

Day one of the interview is done. I did not burp or fart or trip over my own feet. I discussed outcomes assessment and teaching pedagogies and department integration with ease. I suggested ways in which I am uniquely qualified to help further the institution's mission. I interviewed well.

Now, I hope I can keep it up on Monday. Two more interviews and two teaching demonstrations on that day. I bought a new outfit. I know it's silly, but looking cute and put together makes me feel more professional and competent.

My voice held out all day yesterday, due to the many prayers being offered on my behalf by family and friends. It's back to crappy today, but I'm hoping not to have to talk much today. Lots of work to do to catch up from all the interview prep time but my husband is awesome and takes care of so many other things so I can do what only I can do.

I really want this job.

A glimpse of the reality

2011-03-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

Just so you don't think it's all spirituality all of the time...

I'm supposed to interview tomorrow for a tenure track job.
I have laryngitis so bad I can barely talk.
I finally figured out what I'm going to wear this evening. Saturday will be spent returning all the things that didn't make the cut.
I have three loads of laundry to fold. I figure if I wait long enough, they will just end up in the wash again as we pick out things to wear.
My son got a hold of my phone and texted a bunch of random contacts of mine.
I still need to iron my blouse for tomorrow.
I should go do that.
I am so tired.

Palaces and Mirrors

2011-02-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

Today is just one of those days where the planets are aligned just so and the world is in harmony or whatever you want to call it.

Today was the day that Heavenly Father knocked down a wall. Everything that has been put in my path over the last week, everything I've read, all the things we talked about at church, even the hymns, combined into one big spiritual battering ram.

CS Lewis in Mere Christianity says:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.

This part often gets quoted in church, but I find the part that follows even more interesting. Lewis says that God

will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or a goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly…His own boundless power and delight and goodness.

I find this second section even more important than the first because it focuses on what is truly important. The first quote says that God is going to make of us a palace. That sounds like we should go along with the process because we will be made greater because of it. It feels to me like using the Gospel as some sort of self-help plan, to glorify ourselves, rather than our Father which is in Heaven.

The second section is where I find the true challenge to the Christian soul. Are you willing to have yourself be completely eradicated in the process of perfection? We need to become "a bright stainless mirror" so we can reflect back to God "power and delight and goodness." Are we willing to lose ourselves to become like God?

I find I have two contradictory responses to that challenge. First, is the disbelief that God can make me perfect. Me, for my sins are so special and my flaws so immense that they challenge even the capacity of the Almighty to overcome. My, what pride, masked with a facade of self-loathing.

My other response is to not want to give up who I am, because I like who I am. My husband once told me that sacrifice is giving up something good for something better, before we know what the better is. How could being like God not be better than what I am now? It has to be.

And yet, I am reluctant. I am scared of that surrender. Of what it might cost. Of what might be required of me. But I have to remember that I am not God. And I am not called to be God. I am called to be a mirror of God, so that others can see Him when they look at me. What a relief to not be God. To not have to be in control. To not be required to fix things or save people or have all the answers.

God calls me to love. Love others as Christ would love them. Love others as I would love myself. Through some transitive property that I haven't thought about since ninth grade geometry, that means I have to love myself as Christ loves me, with a full awareness of my imperfections, but with no judgment, merely a call to improve.

Love is the answer. It is always the answer. Love is at the center of all things.

Creativity and Christianity

2011-02-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

This post is part of a synchroblog - where a lot of different bloggers write about the same topic.

We are supposed to take the theme of creativity and Christianity as our theme this month. When I read the topic, the first thing that came into my mind was, "What? I'm supposed to be creative? When, in between teaching and grading and dissertating and parenting and wifing -yes, I just verbed wife, I'm being creative - am I supposed to find time for creativity?"

Luckily, the synchroblog moderator posts the topic early, so I've had time to think about this for a while, and I've come to a few different ways of thinking about the role of creativity in the life of a Christian. First, my theology is informed by a view of God as Creator. When I look around me at the world, I am struck by the wonder and beauty of the created world. The diversity and splendor of creation teach me something about the nature of God. Even understanding the biological and geological processes that are in play, I still see the hand of someone creating something for the sheer beauty of it. Wilderness places are always places where I can feel the hand of God.

Created nature also teaches me something about the nature of God. He has a sense of humor - just look at the platypus. The thousands of different beetles let me know that there are lots of ways that the same job can get done, and helps me fight my natural tendency to insist on my way or the highway. The interconnectedness of redwood trees, with their roots linking into each other, supporting each other, sustaining each other, teaches me about how to support members of my community, and also emphasizes how reliant I am on the support of others for my own survival. All of these lessons affect my praxis on a daily basis, as I strive to become more like the Creator in my own life.

However, for Christians, nature also has a different meaning. We know that "the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been since the fall of Adam." We are natural, sinners, carnal and sensual. To become like Christ requires us to reject our nature, and create something new. I have always loved Jehovah's words to Jeremiah.

The word which came to Jeremiah from the Lord, saying,
Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words.
Then I went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.
And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.
Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying,
O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.

I see myself not only as clay in the potter's hand, but as the potter, with the clay being the stuff of life. I tend to make my life as I see fit to make it, and frequently that creates a marred vessel. My pride and arrogance keep me from being a fit vessel, from being a vessel of the Lord. However, the Lord can make of us a perfect vessel. I reject my nature, a hardened heart and a rebellious spirit, to become malleable as moistened clay in the hand of the Lord, to do His work.

This is where I am creative - in surrendering creative control over my life to the Lord. He is the master artist, and can make of my life more than I can on my own. I may not be an artist or a poet or a playwright, but I am creating a life in the image of Christ, and I cannot think of anything more beautiful.

Other posts in the synchroblog:

Bethany Stedman – How God Creates
EmmaNadine – Creativity and Christianity
Bill Sahlman – Created, Continued Creativity
Heidi Renee – Synchroblog Creativity and Christianity
Annie Bullock – Old Things are New
John O’Keefe – What is Half of 11
Kathy Escobar – open.
Tim Nichols – Artist-Priests in God’s Poetic World
Maurice Broaddus – The Artist and the Church
Jeremy Meyers – Creativity First Christian Act
Steve Dehner – The Divine Projectionist
Ellen Haroutunian – Creativity and Christianity: It Matters
Tammy Carter – His Instrument His Song
Steve Hayes – Creativity and Worship
Marta’s Mathoms – Mythos and Create-ivity as a Spiritual Act
Peter Walker – Creativity and Christianity?
William Lecorchick – Heaven and Hell
Jacob Boehlman – God’s Magicians

Home-coming

2011-02-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

I have always been quite taken at the idea of a Heavenly Father. Perhaps overly taken by that idea, in that it defines God in specific attributes that are taken from my personal understanding of fatherhood and parenting that is reliant on a culture that is my own and experiences that are specific, rather than universal.

All that said, however, I am still inspired by the language that Christ uses in addressing God, that of Father. If Christ is to mediate for us with God, then his choosing to address God as Father, not only of Himself but of myself as well, speaks of a relationship of parental nurturing as a prime responsibility of the Creator of the Universe.

Like Schumacher said in a previous post, Christians are home-comers, and he views the Christian as the prodigal son, again with the familial language to describe our situation in relationship to divinity. We are attempting to come home to God, home to recognize that the lowliest position in the Lord's house is better than any position in the world.

What does this say about our relationship to each other? If God is the Father of all of us, then we are all spiritually brothers and sisters. I went home a few weeks ago. It was the first time all of us were together in several years. We spent months talking about what we were going to do when we get together, counting down the time until we all come together again. This is because I love my brothers and sisters. There are six of us all together, and now that we are all adults and past the period of asking impertinent questions of dates and stealing clothes/makeup/albums, we are an incredibly close knit group. If you wrong one of us, you will be facing all of us as we bring you to justice.

I remember a particular situation that demonstrates the love that we have for each other. My younger brother was playing Lord Capulet in his school's production of Romeo and Juliet. One of my best friends had died the night before in a car accident. As I went to see my brother perform in his play, I was overcome by grief. My friend and I had attended this same school, and as they performed in the open quad, memories of my lost friend assailed me. During intermission, I went backstage looking for my brother and couldn't find him. As one of the other actors went to go find him I went back out front of the stage. I looked up, with tears streaming down my face, and saw my brother running down the stairs from the balcony, his cape flowing out behind him, a look of utter concern on his face, as he came to me as quickly as he possibly could. He wanted to succor me in my hour of need, regardless of the play he was involved in.

With relationships like that, it is easy to see why the idea of belonging to a family is an appealing idea religiously. It also explains my commitment to justice for those who are spiritually my brothers and sisters. My calling as a believer in Christ is to treat all people as my brothers and sisters, not just those to whom I am genetically related. Believing in Christ is a call to care for all people on the earth as a sibling, to succor them in their hour of need.

How can we ask someone to be come part of a family of believers, or to trust in a Heavenly Father, when they are always treated like the red-headed stepchild of the family? Social justice is both a fruit of and a prerequisite to true belief.

I think your talk made everyone uncomfortable...but in a good way.

2011-01-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

That was one of the comments I got after my talk in church yesterday.

This was the talk I gave, more or less.

I am a sinner. I say this not to confess of any major sins, for like Joseph Smith, such things are not in my nature. But, I am still a sinner. I am more aware of that basic facet of my character every day. I am, at the root of all things, a sinner.

You would think that my recognition of my own sinful nature, the multitude of ways in which I fall short on a daily, if not hourly basis, would make me more compassionate to my fellow travelers in this fallen world. But in an act of even greater sin, my own pride distances me from those with whom I travel. I am driven to find ways in which I am better than others, in which my own choices are superior, in which my personal understandings are vindicated through my assumed correctness.

This is a barrier to receiving the grace of God in my life. The only way to overcome this prideful disposition is through the grace of the Atonement which pride keeps me from accessing. How do I escape this dilemma, of my sin keeping me from the ability to repent?

Nephi exhorts us:

For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do…And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

It is only through Christ that I can find remission of my sins.

Elder Quentin L. Cook taught us in General Conference that:

The final two days of the Savior’s mortal ministry prior to His Crucifixion are profoundly important and in some ways beyond comprehension. So much of what is essential to our eternal destiny occurred on Thursday and then Friday, the day Christ was crucified. The Last Supper, a Passover supper, the “established memorial of Israel’s deliverance from bondage,” was commenced Thursday evening.¹Ordinances and doctrines of great importance were initiated at the Last Supper. I will mention just three. First, the Savior introduced the ordinance of the sacrament. He took bread, broke it, prayed over it, and passed it to His disciples, saying, “This is my body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of me.”²In this manner He instituted the sacrament. Second, His overwhelming emphasis was on doctrines teaching love as a preeminent principle. He taught, “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”³Third, through Christ’s intercession or direction, “the Holy Ghost was promised to the apostles” as another Comforter.⁴

Books could and have been written on each of those three ways in which the Savior changed the way his followers would worship the Father. For today, however, I would like to focus on the second, the emphasis on love. “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” Do we have love one to another?

Christ’s love for each of us, the essence of charity, is the love that will set apart his disciples in the world. While the sacrament is an ordinance of the gospel reserved to members of this church, I find it interesting that the gift of charity and the witness of the Holy Ghost, in his function as testifier of Jesus Christ, is available to all who seek Jesus Christ, regardless of religious denomination. Christ did not reserve the gifts of his ministry just for a select few, for the chosen amongst his followers, but is willing to bless all those who follow Him, whatever their circumstances.

Elder Cook went on to say:

He was not teaching a simple class in ethical behavior. This was the Son of God pleading with His Apostles and all disciples who would come after them to remember and follow this most central of His teachings. How we relate and interact with each other is a measure of our willingness to follow Jesus Christ.

As we listen to the messages of this conference, we will be touched in our hearts and make resolutions and commitments to do better. But on Monday morning we will return to work, school, neighborhoods, and to a world that in many cases is in turmoil. Many in this world are afraid and angry with one another. While we understand these feelings, we need to be civil in our discourse and respectful in our interactions. This is especially true when we disagree. The Savior taught us to love even our enemies.¹³The vast majority of our members heed this counsel. Yet there are some who feel that venting their personal anger or deeply held opinions is more important than conducting themselves as Jesus Christ lived and taught. I invite each one of us individually to recognize that how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior. It is appropriate to disagree, but it is not appropriate to be disagreeable. Violence and vandalism are not the answer to our disagreements. If we show love and respect even in adverse circumstances, we become more like Christ.

What lessons should we learn from this?

How often do we reserve our charity for members of the church? Do we think that our fast offerings discharge our duty to care for the poor and the afflicted? Do we love our neighbors, even those who disagree with us? Do we pray for our enemies, for those who despitefully use us and persecute us? If not, are we demonstrating the love for our neighbors that Christ demonstrated to those who opposed him? Christ did not rail against those in high political position, against powerful enemies, against those who opposed his work. Instead, through a steady ministry of quiet and personal labor, he changed the world for the better. At the end, he forgave those who had sought to destroy his life and his work. The Atonement has as much power over a Sadducee as over Simon Peter.

How does this help me in my quest to be more humble, to love as Christ would love?

Many years ago, my brother found out that his wife was having an affair, and had become involved in several illegal activities. This lead to an acrimonious divorce, with law enforcement becoming involved as the full extent of his wife’s activities became known. The consequences of her actions played out over several years.

When I was in the MTC, I got a letter from my mother, updating me on all sorts of family news. Included were the latest problems my brother was having because of his ex-wife’s behavior. She had cost him his career, was denying him access to his son, and was exposing his child to negative influences. As I knelt to pray that evening, I prayed for my family, especially for my brother. As I went to close my prayer, I felt my tongue stopped. I literally could not end my prayer. It was my first real experience with a stupor of thought. As I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do, I heard a voice tell me I needed to pray for my sister-in-law. Actually, the voice called her by name. As I knelt and struggled to pray for someone who had caused so much pain and destruction to people I loved, I felt my heart softened. I saw her as He sees her, as a daughter of God who has made bad choices. As I prayed for her, for her to come back to the church, to seek forgiveness, to know of the love that her Father has for her and that I still held for her as a sister in the gospel, I saw, though through a glass darkly, the love that Christ has for each of us, regardless of the choices that we have made in our life. Only after I sincerely prayed for someone I had considered an enemy was I able to say Amen.

As I look back at that experience now, more than a decade later, I see other lessons from that experience that I missed the first time. First, I am impressed that she was called by name. Even after engaging in behaviors that both the gospel and the world would condemn, she was still known by name to the Father. Just like Moses and Joseph, Christ knows her by name. Every one of us is known to the Father by name, regardless of what we have done. The Father does not turn his back on any of us, ever. We are all precious in his sight, regardless of what we have done, regardless of our education, political affiliation, religious identity or sexual orientation. God loves each one of us. The commandment to love others as He loved them knows no barriers.

Secondly, I see myself in my sister-in-law. I see myself as someone who has made bad choices, who has sinned, who is unclean in the sight of God. Though our sins differ in magnitude, the effects are the same. No unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God. To think that I am somehow better than her because her sins are greater in my sight than the omissions I have made, is Satan’s lie. I am in as much need of the Atonement as she was. To puff myself up in my own sight just adds to the sins for which I need forgiveness.

We follow Christ when we love others, regardless of what they have done or who they are. Now, this does not mean we have to agree with or support what they have done – Christ repeatedly told those taken in sin to sin no more – but he also never denied the sinner his love and the blessings of his ministry. Christ spent his time ministering to the sick and the afflicted, those who were most in need of his care.

President Uchtdorf said:

I am not suggesting that we accept sin or overlook evil, in our personal life or in the world. Nevertheless, in our zeal, we sometimes confuse sin with sinner, and we condemn too quickly and with too little compassion. We know from modern revelation that “the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.”⁴We cannot gauge the worth of another soul any more than we can measure the span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we should treat our fellowmen.

I have often heard the word tolerance used to describe our attitude towards those who engage in behavior the gospel denounces. We tolerate those who disagree with us, or who live lifestyles different than ours. The word tolerate is not used in the scriptures. The word love is used 564 times. There is a difference between tolerance and love. I love my cat. When he gets mad at me, he pees right outside his litter box. I tolerate that behavior because I love my cat. I do not tolerate my cat. How much more greater is the command to love one another than my love for my cat? No one wants to be tolerated. We do not hope for a valentine’s card that says, “I tolerate you.” I do not tolerate people, if I am following Christ’s example. I love them.

My brother is gay. He has known he was attracted to men since elementary school. The kids in his ward, sensing that something was different about him, shunned him and made fun of him. In addition to this, they would get up in church during testimony meeting and talk about how thankful they were to be part of such a wonderful ward, and that it was so great that they youth all loved each other. The worst teasing he got was not from members of the church, rather from children at school that bullied him on an almost daily basis. But, at least we weren’t as bad as other people are is not a really high bar to reach. Despite that, he stayed active in the church and served an honorable mission. When he came home from his mission, he struggled with the church's teaching. He tried to find a home within the church, where he could be loved. One day, one of the sisters in the ward asked him why he wasn't married. When he told this woman, who he had known for over a decade, whose husband was a member of the bishopric, who had served honorably in many positions of responsibility in the ward, that he was gay, she slapped him.

In Luke’s account of the Sermon on the Mount, Christ says:

Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

My brother has left the church. As sad as that makes me, it is hard for me to blame him. He has found a community of people who love him, who support him, who care about him as a person in a way that he never found within the church among those who claim to be followers of Christ. While I know that it is his choice to leave the church, and he will be held accountable for that choice, I also know that we will be held accountable for those whom we treat without mercy, without compassion, and without love. When we act without love towards others, we are violating the commandments of God, and will be held accountable for that sin.

Elder Uchtdorf pleaded with us to:

let our hearts and hands be stretched out in compassion toward others, for everyone is walking his or her own difficult path. As disciples of Jesus Christ, our Master, we are called to support and heal rather than condemn…It is unworthy of us as Christians to think that those who suffer deserve their suffering…Sunday is a good day to remember that our Savior willingly took upon Himself the pain and sickness and suffering of us all—even those of us who appear to deserve our suffering.⁶

As we follow Christ, “as we teach of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies,” then will we learn that it is only through Christ, and through the gift of the Atonement that we can ever overcome our own weakness. Love requires humility. Without humility we cannot follow the example of Christ and be a believer in both word and deed.

As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit.

This is the answer for me specifically, and each of us more broadly, as we seek to overcome our own sin and weakness. As we act with Christlike love for all of God’s children, we are perfected. We become more humble, more gentle, more like Christ. I pray for each of us, but especially for me, that we can be blessed with the ability to see all people as Christ sees them, that we can love them as He would, without pride but with a humbleness of heart and a fullness of purpose, that we can follow the commandment of Christ to love one another at all times and in all things and in all places.

A new year, a new blog post.

2011-01-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

It's a new year. Let's see how well the whole blogging thing goes this year. I have a resolution for this year, but it's not something I can easily list. So I'll try and explain what I've got in mind.

I have many roles in my life. Mother. Wife. Professor. I have many commitments in my life. Christian. LDS. Feminist. Political Scientist. Trying to juggle all those roles and commitments, to slot them neatly into an outline or schedule that I can point to and say, "This is me," is something that I struggle with daily.

What does it mean to me to be a feminist and an LDS woman? What does that look like? What does that act like? What does it mean to be LDS and a political scientist? To believe in revealed truth, but also suspicious of power and claims to power - how does one reconcile those competing claims to allegiance?

I have an intuition of the right answer, but part of my personality is to intuitively leap to an understanding of what is true for me, and then have to painstakingly figure out the path to get to and justify to myself what I know in my heart to be correct.

I was reading in E. F. Schumacher's beautiful Guide for the Perplexed, and came across the following lengthy passage, which speaks to a lot of my commitments in a way that I haven't felt other work do.

I think we can already see the conflict of attitudes which will decide our future. On the one side, I see the people who think they can cope with our threefold crisis by the methods current, only more so; I call them the people of the forward stampede. On the other side, there are people in search of a new life-style, who seek to return to certain basic truths about man and his world; I call them home-comers. Let us admit that the people of the forward stampede, like the devil, have all the best tunes or at least the most popular and familiar tunes. You cannot stand still, they say; standing still means going down; you must go forward; there is nothing wrong with modern technology except that it is as yet incomplete; let us complete it. Dr. Sicco Mansholt, one of the most prominent chiefs of the European Economic Community, may be quoted as a typical representative of this group. "More, further, quicker, richer," he says, "are the watchwords of present-day society." And he thinks we must help people to adapt, "for there is no alternative." This is the authentic voice of the forward stampede, which talks in much the same tone as Dostoyevsky's Grand Inquisitor: "Why have you come to hinder us?" They point to the population explosion and to the possibilities of world hunger. Surely, we must take our flight forward and not be fainthearted. If people start protesting and revolting, we shall have to have more police and have them better equipped. If there is trouble with the environment, we shall need more stringent laws against pollution, and faster economic growth to pay for antipollution measures. If there are problems about natural resources, we shall turn to synthetics; if there are problems about fossil fuels, we shall move from slow reactors to fast breeders and from fission to fusion. There are no insoluble problems. The slogans of the people of the forward stampede burst into the newspaper headlines every day with the message, "a breakthrough a day keeps the crisis at bay."

And what about the other side? This is made up of people who are deeply convinced that technological development has taken a wrong turn and needs to be redirected. The term "home-comer" has, of course, a religious connotation. For it takes a good deal of courage to say "no" to the fashions and fascinations of the age and to question the presuppositions of a civilisation which appears destined to conquer the whole world; the requisite strength can be derived only from deep convictions. If it were derived from nothing more than fear of the future, it would be likely to disappear at the decisive moment. The genuine "home-comer" does not have the best tunes, but he has the most exalted text, nothing less than the Gospels. For him, there could not be a more concise statement of his situation, of our situation, than the parable of the prodigal son. Strange to say, the Sermon on the Mount gives pretty precise instructions on how to construct an outlook that could lead to an Economics of Survival.

How blessed are those who know that they are poor:
the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. How blessed are the sorrowful;
they shall find consolation.
How blessed are those of a gentle spirit;
they shall have the earth for their possession.
How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail;
they shall be satisfied;
How blessed are the peacemakers; God shall call them his sons.
It may seem daring to connect these beatitudes with matters of technology and economics. But may it not be that we are in trouble precisely because we have failed for so long to make this connection? It is not difficult to discern what these beatitudes may mean for us today:
We are poor, not demigods.
We have plenty to be sorrowful about, and are not emerging into a golden age.
We need a gentle approach, a non-violent spirit, and small is beautiful.
We must concern ourselves with justice and see right prevail.
And all this, only this, can enable us to become peacemakers.

These are my commitments. To believe in the divinity of each person. To be a peacemaker. To see justice and right prevail.

A decade and a diagnosis

2010-05-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

I've had a headache since June of 1998 that has never stopped. I've been to doctors of all sorts. I've been CT scanned, x-rayed, and psycho analyzed. I've been prescribed sinus medication, muscle relaxants and anti-depressants. I've been treated by optometrists, dentists and headache specialists. Nothing worked.

In the last six months my pain has spread throughout the rest of my body. A month ago I went in for a massage, and the massage therapist referred me to a physiatrist because I was hurting so bad she couldn't work on my back. After some poking and prodding, and some lab work, he diagnosed me with fibromyalgia.

It's been an interesting diagnosis to come to terms with. I'd always hoped that sooner or later doctors would come up with a diagnosis so they could make all the pain go away. Now I know that this is a life time condition. They can treat symptoms, but there is no cure. I have to accept that I have physical limitations. I am starting to learn that I am going to have to take care of myself to a degree that I haven't before. Learning to manage my symptoms is going to be a process.

I talked to a friend who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a few years ago, and she said the hardest thing was to accept that she effectively has a disability. Once she came to terms with that, though, she figured out how to work around it. That's what I'll have to learn how to do now.

This whole thing kind of sucks. It's nice to finally have a diagnosis, though, just so I have a word to put on what I've been feeling for so long. And besides, I got this really cool picture of my brain out of the process.

I think I'll frame it and hang it in my office. Every professor should have a picture of her brain.

A thought about political behavior, in which I do not endorse any particular policy, ideology or agenda.

2010-04-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am just becoming a cranky old woman, but I do not find it particularly funny, or patriotic, or Christian, to pray for the death of a president, even if it is in supposed jest.

Most of you know that I’m moderately liberal. That’s no surprise. You know that I was opposed to the war in Iraq, and supported the war in Afghanistan. I don’t think health care reform is “teh evil”, or is going to kill grandma, or a form of Nazism. In fact, I don’t think health care reform went far enough.

I was opposed to the war in Iraq. I knew we were going in under false pretenses, and even with a little brother being sent into combat, twice, I never once prayed for President Bush to die.

I think the Glenn Beck/Rush Limbaugh/Keith Olbermann version of political discourse is more detrimental to the project of American freedom than health care reform ever will be, because they spew hatred, intolerance, and self-righteous justification through vilifying those with whom they disagree. And yet I have never prayed for Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh or Keith Olbermann to die.

I have turned off my television. I may hope that they move to a foreign country. But never once have I prayed for any of them to die. Even as a joke.

You know what happens when I read the Bible? I find these words in Luke:

But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,
Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.
And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also.
Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.
And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them.
And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.
And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again.
But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.

That’s the call I hear in the Bible, from Jesus Christ, to those who would be his disciples. Love those with whom you disagree. Bless those who hurt you, and hate you, and use you to evil ends. Give to those in need, regardless of whether or not they are deserving. Treat others as you would want to be treated.

Why? Because even sinners can love those that love them in return. But we, as believers, are called to live a higher law. We are called to love those who hate us. If we only love those who love us back, we are a sinner. If we only serve those who are capable of serving us back, we are a sinner. If we only give to those who can pay us back, we are a sinner.

It’s nice to think that the world is so clear cut that poor people are poor because they made bad choices or are lazy or are evil. That’s nice to think about, because that means that I am rich(er) because I am a good person, or made good choices, or worked hard. Rarely will anyone admit that they are rich(er) because they won a genetic lottery that rewarded them with a beneficial socio-economic portfolio that pays dividends that seem, to the recipient, to be rewards for their supposed labors rather than systemic privileges to which they have no moral desert. Self-congratulatory narratives may make it easier to sleep at night, but they are detrimental to our ability to treat other people with the respect and dignity to which we claim they have an inalienable right.

We need to stop hating in this country. We need to stop hating people because they disagree with us. Even if we are adamantly opposed to the policies they propose, the people they have sex with, the color of their skin, the taxes they pass, or the wars they get involved in, there is no room for hate in this country. We are too great for that. We have in this country a legacy that should shine forth like a city on a hill, but instead of burnishing the flame of freedom that we have inherited, purchased by generations of effort at so great a cost and immense an effort, we are tarnishing it through our actions with a thousand little jealousies, and a million petty acts. We have used that flame to light the torches of an angry mob, rather than candles of example that should illuminate the good within ourselves and in each other. We should be ashamed.

First Day

2010-04-20T20:53:00.001-07:00

And the promise of perfection is gone.

How old I do I have to be for students to realize that I really do know what I'm talking about?

Last Day

2010-04-19T15:23:00.001-07:00

Today is the last day before the start of the new semester. I love this day. Stacks of syllabi are in neat rows on my desk, calmly waiting, with the promise of a perfect semester wafting off of them like the fumes from old mimeographed copies.

They hold the possibility of a perfect semester, of the perfectly designed assignment, of the perfect learning environment.

Tomorrow, or the day after that, the syllabi will be stuffed in backpacks, creased and forgotten. At the end of the semester students will bewail their lack of knowledge of deadlines and guidelines, having long forgotten these few pages and their hope for a new leaf being turned in the pursuit of academic excellence. Students will become more than a name on a sheet, a photo on a printout, a head to count. There will be irritations and frustrations; dropped classes, dropped books, dropped balls; reluctance, refusal, and remonstration.

But today, there is still the possibility of perfection.

Today, it's just me and my syllabi.

Tomorrow, the real world begins again.

My revising process

2010-04-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

1. Day one: Rip apart everything I have written using feedback from advisor as guidelines. Develop a plan of attack. Outline points to be addressed in each section.
2. Stare at what I've written. Think it all sucks. Stare some more. Write three sentences. Think they suck too. Ponder what non-sucky writing would look like.
3. Dive in. Make breakthrough. Write concise, intelligent work.

I always forget that my revising process always involves a day of suckitude. When I'm in it, I feel kind of despondent, but that time of sitting and staring at my work really helps me focus on the weaknesses that need to be addressed, and gives my subconscious time to work on the problems I've identified.

So, note to self, plan for days of suckitude in the future, and know that it will be alright.

Weird things that happened today

2010-04-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

I got in to my office to find that someone (I am assuming a colleague) left ten five year old phone books, two comparative politics texts, and two old issues of National Geographic in a stack on my desk.

I had a student tell me in an email that my intellect isn't the only reason he loves me.

I fell in love with a house in a snooty new subdivision.

I bought dark blue eyeliner, and it looks really good on me. (This is only weird if you know that I've been basically wearing the same neutral eye makeup for the last decade.)

I broke a stapler and an ink pen within 60 seconds of each other.

Almost done

2010-04-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week of grading and exams and presentations, but now, except for three papers that I'm still waiting to get turned in, I am done with this semester. I have a week before the next semester starts, and I'm going to write write write the whole time.

My goal:

Finish substantial revisions to chapter four.
Outline chapter five.
Finish data collection.

I can do all that in a week, right?

One of those moments

2010-04-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

I had one of those moments today that make all the grading, and whining emails, and entitled students worth it.

I had students design and complete an experiment in their research class this semester. They ran a classical experimental design with a control group and two different experimental groups. They are analyzing the data now, and I'm so impressed with the work that they have done. They are presenting their research in class on Thursday, and I want to talk to them about presenting it at a conference. Their findings are really interesting and relevant, and I think it would be great for them to get some additional exposure. Watching undergraduates turn in to researchers has been exhilarating.

Top Ten Books

2010-04-02T16:05:00.000-07:00

There is a book meme making its way around the internet, which I saw most recently at Dean Dad's place, and I thought it sounded like too much fun to pass up. So here, in roughly chronological order of when I read them, is my list of the top ten books that influenced me the most. I've left out holy writ.

The Lorax by Dr. Seuss – “I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.” This book introduced me to the idea of speaking for something else that did not have a voice, and the importance of nature and appropriate use of resources.
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle – “Equal is not same.” I didn’t realize how much this book had influenced by thinking until I went back and reread it as an adult, and realized my dissertation that I am writing is about the issues raised by Meg Murray.
A Sand County Almanac by Aldo Leopold – I still remember sitting in my dorm room on a California coast, reading about an oak tree getting cut down on the prairies, and knowing I would never look at the world the same way again. This book set me off on my own journey to find my place.
Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis – I think this is one of the greatest philosophical expositions of the potential power embodied in the Christian tradition ever written. His gift with analogy is rarely equaled.
Policy Paradox by Deborah Stone – This book explains the way people use narrative in their own lives, and the way narrative is used as a policy tool. It completely changed the way I view the news and the political process.
The Imperial Presidency by Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. – probably the source of most of my disdain for modern politics. It is a biting critique (exhaustively documented) of the expansion of executive power, and diminution of Constitutional structures. I have multiple editions of this on my shelf.
Orientalism by Edward Said – I hated this book when I started it, and thought it was completely wrong. By the end, I was convinced Edward Said was a genius, and now am highly conscious of the way we as a society construct the Other.
The Art of the Commonplace by Wendell Berry – This book is kind of like a sequel to Sand County for me. Berry’s critique of modern society’s disconnect from each other and from the land is penetrating, thought provoking, and beautifully written.
Democracy’s Discontent by Michael Sandel – the first sustained critique of the liberal project that I read in graduate school. This book made me change my area of emphasis to political theory.
Basic Rights by Henry Shue – the book that sparked my dissertation. If Shue is right about the idea of basic rights, and I would argue that he is, how do we implement it?

What books have influenced you?

And today you are three

2010-03-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

Cooper is in the bathtub right now, after a day full of cupcakes and ice cream and presents and song. He is three. Three! Though he kept telling everyone he is five. Three years old. I wish I could take a snapshot of him right now to just keep him forever perfect and happy and young. But since that is impossible, I will try to capture him with words so that he might see the Cooper that I see now, when he is 15 and surly and thinks I am the meanest mom ever.

Dear Cooper,

If you wake up yourself in the morning, you come upstairs, trailing your blanket behind you. If I have to wake you up, you groan and cover your eyes with your hands, or pull your blanket over your head. I don't think that will change much in 12 years.

Your favorite foods are macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup, peas, papaya, every kind of rice, and anything you can dip in something else. You eat feta, and wasabi, and duck, and spinach,(and I just stopped for a while to go clean up the the blood from you chasing Shiatsu - the cat - through the house, taking a corner in the kitchen too fast and landing on your face and splitting open your lip. You're welcome.) and have a particular fondness for eating your food by spearing pieces of whatever it is with toothpicks. You have an adventurous palate, and have eaten Thai and Japanese and El Salvadorean food with gusto. You hate mashed potatoes.

You help open the car door, and then pat my seat and say, "Have a seat."

You say "please" and "no, thank you" at the table.

Your favorite books are Gossie and Gertie, and just about anything written by Sandra Boynton. You "read" Doggies, and Moo Baa LaLaLa and But Not the Hippopotamus to me on a regular basis.

You love to sing and dance. You hate for me to dance with you. You can sing "I am a Child of God," and "Twinkle Twinkle" and "How Firm a Foundation." You love to repeat the Standard of Truth with your dad. You take a flashlight to bed with you, and point it at the ceiling while we read Goodnight, Moon.

You hate the vacuum, but you built one out of blocks and play with it.

It bothers you when I don't have my glasses on, and you go find them and give them to me.

You are fascinated by trains and cars and basically anything with wheels. You love building things. Any sort of blocks fascinate you. You build structures and call them your castles. You told everyone you were five today. You are king of the slide at pre-school. You mime putting on a seatbelt when you get on your tricycle.

You love church. Monday morning you start counting down the days until you get to go to church again.

You throw yourself at me when I'm sitting on the couch, and lay on my chest, and whisper, "Nice and comfy." I am required to give you kisses before I leave for work in the morning. If I kiss daddy after I kiss you, you insist on "last kisses." You yell, "Momma is awesome!" and throw both of your hands over your head in a cheer.

I am recording this so you know that no matter how you feel at fifteen, you loved me once. But I love you now, and still, and always. You are my joy, child of mine, and later tonight, I will go into your room after you have fallen asleep, and tuck your blankets back in, and turn off the music, and kiss your forehead and whisper, "I love you." I will whisper a little prayer over you, the same way I have for every night for three years, that you will know happiness, like the happiness I feel from being your mother; that you will know peace, like the peace I feel when I hold you in my arms at the end of the day; that you will know love, like the love that I have for you.

I love you, Cooper.

Now and always.

Momma

Three preps

2010-03-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

I teach a 4-4-4 load with three preps a semester. Next semester I have assigned new texts in two of my preps. I am adding substantial new readings to the other prep. Two of the classes will have completely new assignments. The third class, in which two of the three texts are new, also has new minor assignments.

My life would be so much easier if I didn't have a commitment to pedagogical excellence.

Next steps in greening my life

2010-03-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

We've been recycling pretty well for the last few months. Now, my next step is to reduce the amount of stuff I bring in to this house that needs to be recycled. This is going to be difficult for one major reason.

Most of the stuff we end up recycling is food packaging. I buy prepared foods to make dinner faster in the evening. I know it will be cheaper, and healthier if I cooked more, and I love cooking in general, but there are nights where it is just nice to know that all I have to do is open a bag of tortellini and throw it in the water, and heat up a frozen vegetable to go with, you know?

So, my next goal: cook meals, from scratch, at least three times a week.

And maybe start a compost pile for the food scraps.

Saturday Adventuring

2010-03-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

Things that made me happy today:

Cooper helping sort out the recycling to go drop off at the bins today.
Cooper insisting that we go the library after we dropped off the recycling.
Cooper getting his own library card so he can check out his own books.
A pair of robins, the first of the year, courting in a tree in our front yard. I wonder if I would be lucky enough to have them nest there.
Homemade mac and cheese with bacon in it. Yummmmy.

Happiness, day 2

2010-03-24T18:09:00.001-07:00

I have a cocoa mug that I bought in college. It's handthrown pottery, and it fits perfectly in my hand, and it warms up from the hot chocolate. After a day like today, when spring still feels so far away, it's nice to sit with a warm mug of hot chocolate, and let all my stress melt away.

Woman's search for happiness, day 1

2010-03-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

If you don't live under a rock, you've probably heard of The Happiness Project by now. While I'm less than enamored with some of the ideology behind it, I'm going to see if I can make this my own year of happiness. Day 1: throw out that lipgloss I hate but feel compelled to use to not be wasteful.

I feel happier already.

Research based teaching practices

2010-03-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

I teach at a university that has a heavy teaching load. This semester I'm teaching four courses with three preps. One of the things that I am constantly trying to do is improve my teaching. I am always willing to innovate in my classroom. Some things have worked, some things haven't. I try and be up front with my students about why I am doing what I am doing, and let them know that I am trying to implement the results of research that I have read in the scholarship of teaching and learning. I think it is good for students to see professors grapple with research and new ways of learning. It encourages them to see the importance of having research and things that you learn actually affect the way you think and behave, and not just be filed away in that part of your brain that only gets checked during games and when watching Jeopardy.

I'm contemplating using a reading journal in one of my theory courses next semester. When I tried it last time, it flopped greatly. I couldn't see how to make it not appear to be busywork. So, I'm turning to the blogosphere. What journaling practices have you seen work in your academic career, either as faculty or student? And what journaling practices haven't worked?

Doubt not, fear not

2010-02-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

We got to church this morning, a few minutes late, and Cooper walked right up to the front of the chapel and sat down in the second row. GeekBoy and I sat next to him, and as I opened up the hymnal, I looked up to determine what page number I needed to be on and realized that my university president was sitting on the dais. Nothing makes you realize how unkempt your kid's hair looks like than having your boss's boss's boss's boss sitting in front of you.

One of the interesting things about working at a church university is that the university president is also an ecclesiastical leader. He presides over a huge area - somewhat like what I imagine a Catholic cardinal to be, though I have no idea how accurate that is. Having these two aspects of my life - work and faith - interact in this way is challenging at times. The political science part of my brain and the faithful part of my brain have very interesting conversations about belief and bureaucracy and obedience and oppression. The Mormon part of me and the Marxist part of me don't get along really well. I constantly am discursively creating and recreating my role as an academic of faith.

That said, I love my university president. He really preaches with the Spirit, and I find that he focuses deeply on the responsibilities we have to bring ourselves in line with the teachings of Christ, and doesn't shy away from the difficulty and necessity of exact obedience. Along with the constant call for self improvement, he also focuses on our call to reach out to others in charity, and our responsibility to care for the poor, needy and oppressed.

Every time he talks, I learn something new. Today's talk was on the story of Christ calming the storm on the Sea of Galilee. This is a story that I have read more times than I can easily count, and yet today I learned a new perspective on the story. As the disciples come to Christ in fear and wake them, Christ calms the storm, and then asks them why they were afraid. In the KJV, the words are "Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?" The point that was emphasized today was that Christ is actually in the boat with the disciples as they were going through this storm. Even though they were skilled sailors who had probably spent their life on this body of water, this storm was so extraordinary that they were afraid, because they forgot who was in the boat with them. It demonstrated a lack of understanding of who Christ is, which you see in the next line, "What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" They are afraid because they don't know who Christ is. As we know Christ, we fear less. It doesn't protect us from the storms, but He is with us in our trials, and we do not need to be afraid.

What are we going to do tonight, Brain?

2010-02-15T08:26:00.000-08:00

Same thing we do every night, Pinky! Try to take over the WORLD!

That's what I'm feeling like right now, like I'm planning to take over the world. I have a multi-step plan. One that involves much potential awesomeness for all. First step in my plan of awesomeness: Choose where to go for our ten year anniversary this fall.

Options:
1. Small-ship expedition style cruise in Alaska.
2. Four days at the Utah Shakespeare Festival - plays by night, national park exploring by day.
3. Four days in Chicago. Cubs games, Rick Bayless's cooking, art museums, fancy hotel.

Anyone have opinions? Or additional suggestions?

Where I spent my morning

2010-02-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

Cooper had his tonsils out this morning. We had to be at the hospital at 5:30 this morning. He's a great little patient.

Recovering from anesthesia.

Feeling better and listening to his favorite show on the speaker built into the television remote.

We've spent the afternoon at home. Other than being a bit more cranky than normal and with a bit less energy, it's been a fairly normal afternoon. Cooper passed over the jello, pudding and yogurt in the fridge in favor of grilled chicken and chocolate cake for lunch. He had macaroni and cheese for dinner. He's drinking a glass of water right now by way of medicine dropper because he finds it fascinating.

He's playing, he's laughing, he's dancing. We're so blessed for him to recover this quickly. There are times of crying and crankiness, but the pain so far has been manageable. The nurse who brought him back from post-op said he was the best kid he's ever taken care of. He didn't cry at all the entire time he was coming out from under anesthesia. When we left, the nurse who took care of him in the recovery room thanked us for sharing him with them today. He's an amazing kid.

It's times like this that I am even more grateful for the priesthood than normal. Our home teacher came over last night and helped GeekBoy give Cooper a blessing. Cooper was promised a complete and speedy recovery, an ability to understand the purpose of the pain and therefore tolerate it easier, and many physical blessings as a result of the operation. Everything that was promised in the blessing has been realized to the fullest.

Why people need to stop abusing antibiotics

2010-01-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have caught a penicillin-resistant strain of strep bacteria. My throat feels like it's been attacked with razor blades. The swelling is so bad that it is affecting my eardrums. It's like someone is stabbing me in the ear with an icepick. I'm taking 1600mg of ibuprofen every three hours to keep the pain manageable. I'm hoping now that they have started me on a second course of antibiotics that I'll start feeling better soon. As it is, I can't even have chocolate to console me, because it's like rubbing sandpaper on my throat for some reason.

As it is, I have nothing left in my Hulu queue to watch, and I've worked through the backlogs of several different websites (cakewrecks, passive agressive notes, you suck at craigslist, etc.) I'm too tired to hyperlink. Anyone have other fun websites that don't require thought?

I didn't teach him that

2010-01-19T15:43:00.000-08:00

We have been working with Cooper on not hitting. Sometimes he hits, and sometimes he just gets overly enthusiastic in expressing himself. When he is hitting, we say, "Only happy hands!" When he gets carried away I remind him that he needs to do gentle touches. We were playing today, and he started poking me in the face. I reminded him, "Only gentle touches." So he started holding his finger half an inch from my face and laughing. He doesn't actually say, "I'm not touching you," but I can hear him thinking it.

Where do they learn these things?

No

2010-01-15T18:01:00.000-08:00

No, it is not that easy.

*yawn*

No sleep for the mommies

2010-01-14T17:57:00.000-08:00

Cooper has decided that sleep is for suckers. About every other night for the last week he's been coming into our room around three o'clock in the morning, wide awake and wanting to play. Trying to get him back to sleep two nights ago resulted in me finally giving up at five am and just bringing him to bed with me. I spent the next hour and a half with GeekBoy pressed up against my back, and Cooper patting me on the face every few minutes and asking if we could go upstairs and play. I hate being touched while I'm sleeping, so between the two men in my life pushed up against me, a little hand patting me face, and my cat taking advantage of the bedroom door being left open to come stake out a place on my feet, that was a long night.

Early this morning, Cooper walked into our room. "Hi, Daddy!" I have to admit I was glad he wanted his dad. About 40 minutes later, GeekBoy returned from finally getting Cooper to go back to sleep. His fervent prayer that it would take was unanswered when Cooper walked back into our room a few minutes later. "Hi, Mommy! Time to go upstairs?" I opened bleary eyes. "No, Cooper, it's time to sleep." He wordlessly turned around and walked out of the room. I thought I was going to have to go get him off the staircase when I heard him walk down the hall, go into his room, and shut the door behind him. He slept the rest of the night.

Can it really be that easy?

Low hanging fruit

2010-01-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

One of the things I am trying to do this year is become more environmentally friendly. I used to be much more granola crunchy than I am now, and miss that part of me. I'm trying to start easily and make simple changes first. Here's what I've done so far:

Got a reusable lunch bag and sandwich wrap for my office lunches. I have a stack of cloth napkins that I use as well that just get tossed in the laundry.
Set up a recycling station in the back entry to collect recyclables.
Purchased cloth shopping bags.
Started using stainless steel water bottles rather than plastic.
Buying organic and local produce at the grocery store.

What are some other easy suggestions to re-green my life? I figure I'll pick off the low hanging fruit first, and then work my way up from there.

It's a new year

2010-01-03T18:00:00.001-08:00

All the cool kids are doing decade retrospectives, so I guess I will too, though the nitpicky part of me wants to say that this is actually the end of this decade, rather than the start of the new one, but oh well, I'll give in to peer pressure.

2000: Met the man who would become my husband, turned down law school and got married just under six months later. Pick up and move to a new state.
2001: Newlywed bliss. Perfected my salsa recipe. Dated my husband without having to use an airplane.
2002: Buy house. Get driver's license. Miscarry twins.
2003: Miscarry twins. Hate my job. Apply late acceptance to grad school. Quit my job, take out loans, go to graduate school. Promise myself I am going to work my butt off and get funded next year.
2004: Get fellowship for next four years of graduate school. Get pregnant, find out the baby has a fatal genetic disorder, decide to carry the baby as long as possible.
2005: Give birth. Say goodbye to my son. Speak at his funeral.
2006: Graduate with master's degree.
2007: Sit for my doctoral comps. Go in to labor 24 hours later (a month early.) Give birth to Cooper. Rejoice.
2008: Deal with health problems from Cooper's prematurity. Start the physical therapy routine. Watch him blossom.
2009: Get job teaching college full time. Love my life.

This has been an amazing decade. A year ago right now I was waiting for law school acceptance letters, had never heard of GeekBoy, and lived in a different state. Now I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world (who is currently alternating between playing trains with Cooper, and giving him horsey rides around the living room) and writing a dissertation in political science. I never would have predicted this life, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I can hardly wait to see what the next ten years bring.

Being evaluated

2009-12-29T21:03:00.000-08:00

I've gotten evaluated twice in the last two days. Yesterday I got my student evaluations from this last semester. They were average to good, with the comments not being unexpected and mostly about things that I have already decided to change for the next semester. There was one comment, though, that just eviscerated me.

I got comments back today on the chapter of my dissertation that I submitted a few weeks ago. On first read, they seemed horrible, but on second read it appears that about half of the chapter is okay, I just need to write a new other half of the chapter to go with it.

Why is it, that even when the bad is liberally mixed with good, it's the bad feedback that I remember and dwell on?

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving break - Day One

2009-11-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

Dissertation work accomplished - Zero
Number of toy train sets looked at either online or in person - infinity.

The end.

When no response seems sufficient

2009-11-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

A lady from my church asked me today how Cooper was doing "without having a mother during the day" and then went on to say "he must be bonding with his new Mother at the daycare." I was so floored I didn't even have a comeback. I have spent the afternoon coming up with witty responses of various levels of rudeness.

And, seriously, nobody says a child doesn't have a father because the dad works, so don't say that I'm not his mother just because he is going to daycare during the day. So back off, lady, and keep your judgmentalism to yourself.

Time between blog posts is directly proportional to amount of chaos in life

2009-11-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

I'm over half way through my first semester teaching a four class load with three preps. I'm still writing my dissertation. I have a two year old who is dealing with institutionalized care for the first time ever, with the complete assault that is on his immune system.

School is going well. I'm hearing good feedback through unofficial back channels. My students are almost all performing well and trying to master some difficult concepts. As Angry Professor says, trying to teach statistics to social science majors tends to color your outlook somewhat. It's been interesting teaching a teaching university rather than a research university. The demands on my time are very different, and the role I am expected to play as mentor is one for which I have never received official training, either in my graduate program or professionally. There is an expectation of an open door policy here outside of official office hours, so if I'm in my office, I'm available. And I'm supposed to be in my office every day. Students here have been taught that professors are always available and willing to talk. They stop in to chat about all sorts of questions. That's completely different from the attitude I had about my professors. I was never in their offices without a specific question, and I left as soon as it was answered.

The nice side effect of this is that I am finding out how much I enjoy collaborating with students. In all of the classes I teach I get to help students think about how they think, and watching them grappling with big normative questions and coming up with new and interesting ways of looking at the world for them to go and explore.

That said, there has been a definite learning curve. I've changed my texts for all three classes next semester, and am going to be dramatically reorganizing two of them. That's what I get to do over the winter break. I've been smart enough to keep a text file for each class entitled "What to Change for Next Semester" so I won't have to go back and wrack my memory trying to remember all the good ideas I've had.

All of this has been exacerbated by a sick little boy. He got the stomach flu last week and didn't eat for five days. And then it turned into an ear infection. He's on two separate types of antibiotics trying to get it to clear up. You know it's bad when I can track his improvement by counting the number of q-tips I am using to clean out the discharge so I can get the eardrops in far enough that they will do any good. (Note: we've topped out at four - both ends.) We've already dealt with pink eye. I'm hoping that once he is exposed to everything that his immune system will cut him a break next semester and he won't spend so much time feeling crappy.

And even with all this, I'm still making slow progress on my dissertation. I keep telling myself that over Thanksgiving break I'll get a lot of it done. That never really worked as an undergraduate. I wonder if it will work now.

Cooper's latest trick

2009-09-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

Cooper likes to run across the living room, dive headfirst into the couch, and then use the momentum to flip his legs over his head so he's standing on his head with his feet up on the back of the couch. What was that about a motor skills delay? Oh yeah, this is why we no longer qualify for services. That's right. He's graduated from his physical therapy program because he has improved from 3rd percentile to 50th in 11 months.

He also likes to ride his tonka truck around the kitchen and smack things with a light saber. I'm thinking he thinks he is jousting. I am just trying to get him to stop hitting things. And he likes to open the fridge door and stroke his chin and say, "Hmmmmm" while he decides what he wants to eat. I have no idea where he got that one.

Oh, and he will hold both hands over his head and yell, "Huzzah!" at random intervals. He got that one from his dad.

I learned something new this morning.

2009-09-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

I have been having problems sleeping lately. I was at Bath and Bodyworks yesterday and saw that they have a new line of products that contain lavender oil to help you sleep. I bought the pillow spray and used it last night. It turns out that I am highly allergic to lavender oil. Anywhere on my skin that came into contact with the aromatherapy spray is covered in a bright red, unbelievably itchy rash. So much for aromatherapy as a solution.

RBOC on the first full week of classes

2009-09-19T21:06:00.001-07:00

Apparently, I assign a lot of work.
I do not think a 15-20 page research paper in an upper division course is an undue amount of work.
Apparently, my students disagree with me.
Students here register for a lot of classes, show up the first day to look at syllabi, and then drop the classes they don't want to take. This is the cultural norm here.
This is not so bad, in that it makes my grading load lighter.
TAs are like little angels sent from heaven.
I think I am making friends with some of the other new faculty.
Saying that makes me feel like I am in junior high.
Apparently I think Fukuyama's The End of History is the worst thing written ever, judging by the comments I wrote all over my copy.
The student sitting next to me at the table saw my copy of the article and asked if "PBBBBBBT!" was a technical term of criticism.
I am not used to teaching three classes back to back. My voice starts giving out about half way through the third class. I need to do something about that.
I used a cartoon in class for an assessment tool. If they laughed when they read it, it meant they understood the lecture.
If you take a bite of hummus, and it turns out to be beandip, it doesn't matter how good the beandip is, it will still not be a good bite of food.
My international students are leaving my domestic students in the dust. I'm not sure if that's a commentary on the American educational system, or that students who go to foreign countries are a self selected group of overachievers.
I haven't walked into any more closets, but the roads still aren't surfaced.
Apparently I say apparently a lot.

First day of classes

2009-09-10T19:15:00.001-07:00

Today was the first day of classes. The registrar's server went down. The city decided that it would be a good day to resurface all the city streets surrounding the campus. A faculty member made vaguely ominous warnings about one of my students. I walked into a closet. The class website turned all my uploaded content into html laden gobbledygook.

Yeah.

Hopefully tomorrow will go smoother.

Meaningful assessment

2009-09-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about how to develop meaningful assessments for my courses this week.

Cooper's preschool has been learning the color red this week. Last night he demonstrated mastery of this concept by picking all the red M&Ms out of my bag of M&Ms and eating them.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to develop meaningful assessments for my courses that involve M&Ms.