Sunday, July 17, 2011

Did you think to pray?

I suck at praying. I'm sure one of the early saints would have come up with a more eloquent way of saying that, like, "Lo, behold my soul shrinketh in comparison to the mercy and grace that thou has shown me, O Lord, and it is because of thy great goodness O Lord, that I am reluctant to come to thee in my daily trials, because what could someone like me be of interest to thy great Goodness and Mercy and Perfection. When I have gotten my act together, then O Lord, I will be willing to let you into my life. But not now, O Lord, for I have not figured out how to do this all on my own, and only once I have figured out how to do this without You, will I come unto You and say, look Lord, I have done it all on my own. Aren't you proud of me?"

And in that day, which will never come, for it is impossible for me be perfected under my own efforts, He will look at me and say, "O Child, for one so smart, you sure are stupid."

Okay, maybe He wouldn't actually say that, but He might be thinking it loudly. I am thinking it loudly at myself lately.

I know prayer works. When I pray I get answers, but I only pray when things are going really badly. It is difficult for me to keep myself constantly aware of my own reliance on God, without feeling like I am somehow failing at being an independent adult. And there we go, that's the root of the problem. (Writing is amazing. It's how I figure things out.)

I want to be an independent adult. I can do it all by myself. But I can't. My insistence on doing it by myself has brought on me additional trials. I've had people who I trust spiritually tell me that I go through difficult trials because I refuse to ask for help in prayer, and because I'm talented enough to get through most things without having to ask for help. That is why I get the big complicated ones, because only then will I humble myself enough to rely on the Lord for assistance. I kind of think that is one of the reasons why I am dealing with the health issues that I have, to make me more reliant on the Lord and on others for help.

The question that I am struggling with is how do I maintain the humility in good times that I am forced to have when times are rough? I'm not good at that at all, and I feel a strong need to improve in this area of my life recently.


Sarah said...

When you figure it out let me know. If I figure it out first,I'll share with you.

Moench Kazoku said...

Well maybe it would help you if you remembered that I am mom's doesn't help me be humble at all, but it might work for you.

EmmaNadine said...

I thought Ted had the t-shirt.

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